November 14, 2013 (Life, the Great Defibrillator)

I had kind of a scare Monday night. Something happened that forced me to wake up and take notice of my body. I went to the ER because I was struggling with breathing and had a pressure in the back of my left leg. I thought I had a blood clot again, this time in my leg. I was immediately taken back and tests were quickly ordered. As always, it started with blood work. I also had an ultrasound of my left leg, an x-ray of my chest, and was placed on a heart monitor. Needless to say, I was admitted overnight for evaluation. The next morning I was sent for a CT scan to be sure there was not a blood clot in my lungs.

Upon discharge, I was given prescriptions for cholesterol and high blood pressure. The discharging diagnosis was a heart attack. Now, I don't know if that is what actually happened, but it was enough to wake me up! I know that I don't want another scare like that ever again. The only thing I could think of was my children. What would happen to them if something happened to me? I am the one they can rely on to take care of their needs. I am the one who nurses them back to health when they are sick. I am the one who teaches them what it means to be a responsible, caring, giving human being. How could I beat cancer, but let something like this kick me off my feet?

If anything was going to bring me back to life, this was definitely it! Major lifestyle changes are definitely in my future. I still have so much to accomplish in this lifetime. I have a laundry list of things that I have yet to do. There's no time like the present, right?

November 24, 2013 (To Plank or Not to Plank!)

I have decided to try something new. I am going to take the 30-day planking challenge with some friends. According to the challenge, after the 30 days, this is supposed to strengthen my core and help me to tighten up and lose weight. At the end of this challenge there is another I am going to work my way up to. It is a series of exercises that you do every day. When this one is done I am going to take each of those exercises and work them into my daily routine, one month at a time.

I know I'm going to need the support of my friends to help me make it through these challenges. I need your prayers and your encouragement. I am going to push through my medical issues and force myself to push myself. The way I see it, I can only go up from here. At least these exercises are normal exercises and nothing like some of the crazy, push-yourself-to-near-death exercises that I've been seeing. Maybe one day in the far distant future I might feel the urge to try one of them, but for now I'm good with integrating a different exercise into my routine each month. I know it seems silly to only do one exercise a day for a month, but maybe once I get to the second month I will find myself just adding an exercise, doing two, then three, then eventually the entire challenge every day.

Along with integrating the exercises into my daily routine, I am going to try really hard to eat right and eat more often. I know I need to also boost my metabolism with diet as well as exercise. I have found a site that gives me recipes for smoothies that I am looking forward to trying. I will try my best to do better at updating my blog for those who are really interested in following my progress. I guess now is the time to also put my stats out there. I will get my weight in the morning (on my scale since that is the one I use the most) and I will see about getting my measurements. Just as an experiment I want to also measure my height. I know over the years I have lost about an inch from my height and I'm curious if I will gain that inch back as I put my body back together.

So, here we go!

November 6, 2013 (How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways)

The hardest thing for me to do is find ways to love myself. On this, the eve of my birth, I am going to list the things that I DO like about myself. Part of the reason this is so difficult is because I'm not the kind of person who feels comfortable with talking myself up. But, since this is a journey, part of that journey is to change the way I see myself. This means I must talk myself up. So, here it goes...

1. The thing I like the most about myself is my compassion for others. No matter who you are, if I know you are hurting or going through a hard time I want to be there to hold your hand and help you get through whatever it is. I don't like to see people hurt, no matter who you are or how much you may have hurt me. I can rise above those hurts and still offer you my compassion.

2. I really like my hair. It's fluffy and soft and long.

3. I think I have a fairly good sense of fashion. I love shoes! Ideally, if I find a pair of shoes I like I can build an outfit from there. It's much harder to find an outfit and try to find shoes to match. I prefer the other way around.

4. I have pretty eyes. They are not a typical color and they can change depending on my mood. I think I have warm, inviting eyes. When you look into my eyes they don't say, "GO AWAY", but simply, "I'm worth getting to know."

5. I'm smart. If I don't know the answer, I know how to find the answer.

6. I'm talented. There's not too much that I've tried that I haven't been able to do well. I think that's because I'm a perfectionist and don't like to fail.

7. I have a very strong relationship with God. Even though I fail Him daily, He never fails me. I know that I am His child and that He loves me just as much as, if not more than, I love Him.

8. I'm a good friend, unless you do something to harm me or my family. I have had people I called friend do or say things that were very hurtful. But, when they needed someone to stand by their side I have never turned my back on them.

These are the things that I choose to see when I look at myself in the mirror. As long as I focus on these things, it's a little easier to stand in front of the mirror and see the image staring back at me. If I focus on these things I can see a beautiful woman looking back at me. For those of you reading this blog, please feel free to leave your feedback. I would love to know how you see me; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

October 24, 2013 (Mirror, Mirror)

When I look in the mirror I see a science project gone wrong. I look at myself and wonder how anyone is ever going to fall in love with me. I know this is a self-pity party, but if you saw what I see every day I think you would understand. This body of mine has been through a lot in its....cough, cough...40-ish years. I have been through a few surgeries that have left me somewhat disfigured. It's not that obvious to everyone else because I've learned the fine art of camouflage. I know how to dress this body to make it look somewhat presentable. But, once you peel back the layers of this onion you will definitely tear up.

Why do I have this misconception? Could it be because all the guys I know are with thin, beautiful women? Could it be because all the males I know are always hanging out with thin, beautiful women? Nah...well, maybe a little. My biggest problem is that women don't tend to view a man's appearance the way men view a woman. We don't look at a man and see his size. We notice his eyes, his voice, his personality. Guys, from my own experience, notice a woman's butt, breasts, and, if he makes it that far, her eyes. Just listen to the songs on the radio. Florida Georgia Line comes to mind. And have you seen the music videos? The girls in these videos are thin, young, and beautiful. Just once I would like to see the girls that these guys sing about as plus-sized and curvaceous.

I know my feelings are just insecurities, but it's hard not to have insecurities when you've been carved up like a Frankenstein project. I need to spend more time focusing on the parts of me that I do think are nice. So, here goes....in my opinion, I have nice hair, pretty eyes, and I still have nice legs (at least the bottom half). I think I'm fairly stylish and dress well for my size. Just to let you know, writing these things about myself makes me feel very uncomfortable. But, it's better to face my insecurities than run from them. I better post this before I lose my confidence.

October 15, 2013 (Mamma Mia)

"Knowing Me, Knowing You", I say be a "Super Trouper" and "Take a Chance on Me." "Honey, Honey," I want to be your "Dancing Queen."

I have always loved ABBA. Growing up in the 70s and early 80s these songs played often. When my kids were little a group called A-Teens came on the scene (a.k.a. ABBA Teens). My daughter took a liking to that sound of music and became a huge ABBA fan as well. When we took the kids to Disney World in 2006 there was a group playing a show in Epcot Center called "Bjorn Again." It was so much fun getting to sing along with them.

Tonight, a good friend of mine treated me to the Broadway production of "Mamma Mia." It was so much fun. I love this show so much that I own it on DVD...times 2! You know, just in case one gets warn out. The Broadway show was almost identical to the movie, and vice versa. This show had an amazing cast. There was a lot of talent on that stage tonight. The music moved me so that I wanted to get up and dance and sing along with them. There were even a few ladies who "dressed up" for the show, go-go boots and all! I guess some people really get into the experience.

Speaking of dress-up, the costumes worn in this production were amazing. The costumes created for Donna and the Dynamos were very much ABBA. All-in-all, this show was definitely one to remember. It was one of those shows that when it was over, you wish it wasn't. These are the times you wish you could just hit a repeat button and continue the fun.

October 9, 2013 (Out of the Mouths of Babes)

While my sister-in-law was watching President Obama on the television give a speech, my 19-month-old niece stopped to listen. After standing there a few minutes listening to him talk she uttered "mo-mo" and walked away. For those of you who don't know what this means, it is slang for moron. Isn't it funny how young children have such discernment when it comes to character?

This incident reminded me of a time many years ago when Bill Clinton was in office. My daughter was just a baby when he was in office. One day I couldn't help but laugh. She was sitting on the floor playing with her toys as I was flipping through the channels trying to find something good to watch. I stopped just briefly on a channel that was showing President Clinton giving a speech. My daughter stopped playing and started crying. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I thought maybe she hurt herself on one of her toys. I quickly changed the channel before checking to see what had happened. As soon as I changed the channel she stopped crying. I sat back down and started flipping through the channels again. Again, I came across a channel that was showing him giving a speech. Again, she started crying. Again, I changed the channel. Again, she stopped crying. I called my husband at the time into the room and told him to watch our daughter. I flipped through the channels until I came across him speaking. Immediately she started crying. I flipped it to the next channel and she stopped. I flipped back and forth between the channels a couple of times. Every time Bill Clinton was talking she cried.

Over the years I have witnessed many children show disdain toward certain people, only to find out that these people really were not nice people. I have witnessed, and been one of those children, who scared adults, perfect strangers to the child, by running over to them. When I was about three my mother was going through the airport with me and my brother. He was little, so she had to carry him. I was at least old enough to walk. I was jealous that he was being carried and I had to walk. After all, I was still little too and my legs were tired. I sat down and refused to move. My mom was getting quite agitated with me. I was so mad at her that I ran over to this stranger who was sitting down and climbed into his lap. The poor man about had a heart attack. He must have been a decent person because I doubt at that age I would have felt comfortable enough to do that. Nowadays I just get strange looks if I go sit in some random guy's lap. I guess it's not as cute anymore.

October 8, 2013 (Pain, Sweet Pain)

I always know when the seasons are changing by the way my body reacts. Every nerve in my body is reacting to the current change in the seasons. I feel like I have stuck my finger in a light socket and can't pull it out. From the top of my head to the tips of my toes, I am in extreme pain. This is the life of a person living with fibromyalgia and arthritis. Unfortunately, one of the side effects of taking chemo is that things like arthritis are accelerated. One of the side effects of the Herceptin is fibromyalgia. The pain is so great that it leaves me with a headache and makes me extremely nauseous.

I do hold out some hope. One of my doctors told me that as the years pass and I lose the weight, at least the fibromyalgia should start to calm down. My greatest problem is that I cannot afford the medication that helped to calm all this down in order for me to live a somewhat normal life. I have health insurance, but they want me to pay $300.00 a month to take it. It has been suggested that I use a cheaper medication, but my doctors have tried me on all the medications available and Lyrica was the only one to do me any good. Now I am forced to take Tylenol Arthritis and Motrin, which help for just a short period of time. I don't want to get in the habit of taking these medications too much as I don't want my liver and other organs to suffer in the process.

So, in order to naturally counter the effects of fibromyalgia and arthritis, I'm going to have to fore myself to do yoga on a more regular basis. Yoga is good for releasing the pain through deliberate movements that force me to concentrate on breathing and posture. My goal is to help my body to control the nerves that are causing me all the pain. Along with doing yoga I'm going to start using the herbs and spices that have been proven to reduce pain and swelling in the body. I'm hoping that the combination of all of these things is going to help me feel a little more normal, not that I've ever really been normal.

September 30, 2013 (Are We the Goose or the Gander?)

Everyone knows that old expression "what's good for the goose is good for the gander". Well, sometimes it reads, "what's good for the goose isn't always good for the gander." So, my question is, why is the government trying to force us to accept a medical plan that they have exempted themselves from? If it is so great and will mean healthcare for all, why don't they want to be a part of it?

Here's my biggest issue with it. If I knew someone who owned a restaurant and in talking to them they tell me they don't eat there themselves, I would question whether or not I should be eating there. It's like a parent telling their child to eat all their vegetables, but you look at the parent's plate and they don't even have any vegetables. How are you going to sit there and tell me that they are good for me, but you refuse to eat them? So, using this analogy, it doesn't make sense to me that they are trying to shove Obamacare down our throats. I don't want to be a part of something that they are afraid to be a part of, including the president himself.

I make this proposal. If the government and the president include themselves in Obamacare, not EXclude, then I will gladly jump on board with everyone else. I will put aside everything I think I know about him and his agenda and I will follow the masses, so to speak.

September 29, 2013 (Happy Birthday Pooh Bear)

Today my baby turned 10 years old, a whole decade! Problem is, this makes me old too. It's funny how you can be a certain age and not feel it.

Earlier I asked him how it feels to be a decade old. He said it didn't feel any different than any other age prior to ten. In my mind I still feel as if I'm in my early 20s. Regardless of my size and the shape of my body now, I still feel like the skinny, pretty girl I once was. I don't know about the saying that you get better with age, but I do know that I'm wiser and more aware. But, I don't feel any older, other than the occasional aches and pains that remind me my body is aging.

Back to my little man's birthday. I am having so much fun putting together his birthday party. Unfortunately I wasn't able to make it happen in time for his birthday, but it will be happening and it will be fun. Since his big gift this year was Disney Infinity, I had him pick one character set to focus the theme of his party on. He chose Toy Story. So, even though the party is going to be at a place called Fat Daddy's, we will be referring to it as Pizza Planet during his birthday party. This place is an arcade/pizza parlor, so it works perfectly into the movie. The takeaways are in popcorn boxes instead of goody bags and are filled with toys and characters from the Toy Story movies. I haven't decided on the cake yet, but it's going to be fun.

I really enjoy putting together birthday parties for my kids. The most fun was the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland mad tea party I threw for my daughter's 18th birthday. All her friends dressed up as the different characters. One of her friends even dressed as the Red Queen, making her dress out of decks of cards and even drawing the heart in lipstick. We spent a couple days collecting different shapes, sizes, and colors of teacups and saucers, teapots (to include a pig), serving trays, tables and chairs. I had a number of varieties of different types of tea and made tea sandwiches and crudités for the table. Her birthday cakes (as each candelabra candle holder held 9 candles), were triple layered cakes, but I cut them in a way that they were lopsided. I frosted them with different colored frosting on each layer and sprinkled them with confetti. They were so much fun to make and the girls loved them. By the way, my daughter was Alice, which is perfect for her as she kind of resembles the Alice from the original Disney Alice in Wonderland. I'm really looking forward to her next birthday. Enter the Daleks!

September 27, 2013 (It's My Show and I'll Cry If I Want To!)

Why do we cry when something happens to characters in our favorite shows? If one gets sick, we cry. If one dies, we cry. If one gets married, has a baby, moves away, we cry. Could it be that in the progress of faithfully following a show we become emotionally attached to these characters? We don't grow attached to the actors/actresses playing them, but the character they are portraying. Actors/actresses have said that people have treated them cold because of a character they have portrayed. On the other hand, people have tried to console them when something tragic has happened, as if they were consoling the character themselves.

The shows that have impacted me the most are Army Wives and (gasp) The Secret Life of the American Teenager. I have felt the loss of certain characters on Army Wives and mourned right along with them. Since I was an Army wife, a lot of what goes on in this show impacts me on a personal level. As far as Secret Life, the greatest impact was when Adrian lost her baby. I cried for days over that one. I felt that loss as if it were my very own. At the point when they were told the baby was dead, I kept hoping for a miracle. I was hoping they were going to come back in and tell them that the baby just suddenly started breathing.

This is not something we talk about to our friends or family. It's something of an embarrassment to admit that we cry over fictional characters. But, guess what? We ALL do it. If you don't feel for these characters, most likely something is dead inside of you. I think I would be more worried if I didn't cry along with them, or laugh and feel great joy when something wonderful happens. Let's face it, they're family.

September 14, 2013 (TIMBER!!!)

Have you ever had those days that you felt like the universe was against you? That was how my day started. My sister-in-law called me this morning and wanted me to go with her to Pensacola. I was talking to my brother as she put my nieces in the car and waited for me. I left to go to the car, but I was in a hurry and didn't see the acorn nuts that had fallen to the ground. I slipped and threw myself forward onto the ground. The good thing is that I didn't twist anything. The bad thing is that I scraped both knees, had the cap of an acorn nut go through my left hand, and bruised my right hand.

I laid on the ground, face down, for a few minutes to catch my breath. When I rolled over I had blood running from the palm of my hand. I started feeling dizzy and extremely light-headed. While my sister-in-law went into the house to get what she needed to clean and bandage my wounds, I leaned up against the house to get my wits about me. When you're in shock it's hard to pull yourself out. Usually the only way I can shake it is to pass out. This time, somehow, I was able to avoid passing out. We cleaned my wounds and bandaged me up before heading to Pensacola. Since I didn't twist anything when I fell this time, I was fine other than a bruised hand.

After everything was done my sister-in-law told me something funny about my youngest niece. She was sitting behind her mother in the car when I fell. She saw me go down and said "uh-oh". When we went back into the house to give me a moment to rest she walked over to me, looked at my bandages, and again said "uh-oh". She is such a smart little tadpole.

September 9, 2013 (Pot Calls the Kettle Black...Kettle is Steamed)

The Players:
   Ex-husband = Pot
   Me = Kettle

The Setting:
   Cellphone Text

The Moral of the Story:
   Why he is and always will be my EX!

It all started on a dark, humid night full of fun times and good friends. The viewing party for Chef Brian Cartenuto began at 8:00pm on Sunday night. After the viewing my sister-in-law and I were invited to join him and his brother at McGuire's Irish Pub. We spent the last couple of hours of the night sitting around talking and laughing. It was 1:30am on Monday morning when we left for home. I first had to drop her off at her house, then pick up my daughter and head home myself. It was 2:45am by the time we reached the driveway.

At some point during the drive home I received a threatening text from my ex-husband stating, "Te you what I find out you said anything about Anthony and Kenny missing the bus . Ill have your ass just because their slush of a mother wants to use her daughter  so she can go out and friken party." Sorry for the bad typing, but that was a direct quote. First, I am the furthest thing from a "slush", as he puts it. I very rarely drink. Besides that, I have an extremely high tolerance for alcohol. I have never been drunk a day in my life. Second, I didn't "use" my daughter as she was being paid to babysit my nieces so I could finally have a night out with my sister-in-law. We were going to support a friend on one of the biggest nights of his life. Third, before I left home for the night I made sure everyone had been fed supper and gave my 15-year-old bedtime instructions. I figured he was old enough to handle things this one time. Both the boys were in bed at a decent hour, had plenty of rest, and got up and off to school without a fuss. I love my children very much. I wouldn't do anything without being sure they were taken care of. Last, I had my phone on me the entire time. There was not a single time that night they weren't able to reach me.

Now that the kettle has blown off some steam, let me fill you in on the pot. One particular time that comes to mind was when my boys went to stay with their dad to spend some time with him. He lives with his mom, as most of you already know, and she isn't the best person to be around. That's a story for another time. He received a phone call from a friend and told my boys he would be back soon, that he had to go help a friend with a flat tire. Not only was he gone for over four hours, he was very much unreachable. My oldest son called me because he didn't know what to do. He said his dad had left to help someone and that he hadn't heard from him and could not get ahold of him for many hours. When he finally showed back up at the house he had been drinking. Now, knowing my ex-husband as I do, I can tell you exactly what happened that night.

The reason he even took the boys was because his friend most likely told him that something came up and they wouldn't be able to hang out. So, he decided he wanted to see the boys since he had nothing else to do. Once they were there he received a phone call from his friend that plans changed. He went out with them, drank and partied for about four hours, then returned home, most likely drunk. Now, there are many differences between these two scenarios. First, I made sure my boys knew where I was going and how late I would be out. Second, they could reach me. Third, I only had two drinks the entire night and drank three times that amount in water. Last, I didn't come home drunk or showing any signs that I had even had a drink. So, who's a bad parent now?

September 8, 2013 (Cutthroat Kitchen with Chef Brian)

Tonight was the most fun I have had since....forever! Tonight was the viewing party for Brian Cartenuto's appearance on "Cutthroat Kitchen". It was so amazing to see his family stand by him. Gail, Joe, and Chris were there to make this night very special for Brian. When I watch this family together I see what a true family looks like, acts like. I watched as Gail endured the heat, almost to the point of passing out, so she could be there to support her son. A mother's love can overcome any obstacle. I try to show this same kind of love to my children. I hope that one day they will recognize it as just that, LOVE!

As the night progressed and the show began, so did the fun. Round one began. The challenge was ravioli. Since Brian is Italian, this wasn't much of a challenge, not even when he was given jerky to use as a filler. After he made it through to the next round we were all served ravioli, not exactly the one he made on the show, but very close. Jerky as a filler for ravioli is actually quite amazing. Round two - hamburgers. Again, how is this a challenge for a man who has created the most amazing burgers ever? After all, he does own Tucker Duke's Lunchbox. What we were served after his challenge was no less amazing. On to round three. The final challenge was fried chicken. Again, seriously? He was raised in the south. I want more of that chicken! We are all so very proud of Brian for winning!

As for me, I was a winner too. I was given the chance at an awesome evening with good friends. I finally had the chance to hang out with my sister-in-law. She helped me to loosen up and come out of my shell, even if only for a little while. I discovered that I could have fun, that it's okay to loosen up every now and then. So, thank you to all who made this night wonderful, for including me in something very special.

September 6, 2013 (Why I Should Have Been A Teacher)

Have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you had followed your heart? I have had many interests in my life, from accountant to writer. But there is one passion that has stayed with me throughout the years. I have always had a passion for teaching. This passion goes as far back as the first grade. I was always advanced beyond my years, therefore I was bored a lot in school. Don't get me wrong. I loved school, I was just bored. They were teaching things I already knew how to do. In order to prevent me from holding the other children back my teacher had a brilliant idea. She decided to have me tutor the other students who weren't quite getting it. From that time on I tutored, from Kindergarten age up to whatever grade I happened to be in that year. The greatest pleasure I have ever received was seeing the light bulb come on. There's a kind of satisfaction in knowing that you were able to help someone crack the code. You see, everyone's brain is wired differently. In order to help someone learn you have to have two very important elements. The first is they have to want to learn. The second is the clue to unlocking the part of their brain that allows them to learn. Once you have both of these things, anyone can learn.

I never quit teaching, in one way or another. I never became a teacher because I allowed other things in my life to stand in the way, much like I have done everything I have ever wanted to do. Even I had something to learn...freedom, of my mind and of the bonds that have held me back all my years. I had always allowed everyone else to influence my life, my goals, and my happiness. I never pursued my own passions. Since I never became a teacher, I became a tutor. I love what I do, even if it is only part-time. I get to spend time with adults and children, helping them to learn the things in life that they may not have learned otherwise. I found that I have a knack for unlocking the parts of the brain that help them to understand what I am trying to teach them. I don't necessarily know that what I do can be taught. It's something I was born with and the schools I attended took advantage of. Every school I attended that learned I had tutored at my last school found a way to use me. Since there were subjects that I had a very firm grasp on, those were the times I got to go to the other classrooms and tutor. If I wasn't tutoring during those times I was grading papers. They were always looking for a way to keep me busy, since I did get bored quite easily. I don't know exactly how many children I have helped throughout the years. I don't know any names or where any of these people are today. All I can hope is that at some point in history I was able to make enough of an impact on their lives that they were able to become a success. I really do wish I knew what had happened to the ones I had helped along the way.

September 5, 2013 (Go Home GPS...You're Drunk!)

Tonight was a very special night. My friend Tina took me and her sister, Ronda, to see Kevin James at the Saenger Theater. As always, when you get the three of us together for any length of time there is going to be extreme laughter. The car ride over was quick and easy. Since it was still light out, you could see more than just a black blur of trees. Since we were leaving immediately after Ronda and I got off work, we had to run through a drive-thru for dinner. I figured chicken nuggets (although not the healthiest choice) would be the right choice for me since I was driving. WRONG! All it took was one wrong move to dump the sauce off the tip of the box and onto the floor board. Fortunately, the sauce never turned over and I managed NOT to make a mess.

Upon arriving at the theater I had already resolved to pay to park. I do believe $5 for parking is much better than $50 to rescue your car from the tow truck! I was lucky. The space directly behind the theater was almost completely empty - the benefit to arriving almost an hour early. Once we were inside one of the hosts came over to talk to Tina. We were ushered to the door to stand at the front of the line. I'm sure you can imagine the looks we were getting from the other people standing around waiting. To add to the chitter-chatter, once the doors opened we were escorted in and to our seats before anyone else was allowed in. I must mention that Tina uses a walker due to MS. We arrived at our seats in the handicap section of the theater. The doors were then opened and everyone else was allowed to enter. Again, there were looks and chatter as people noticed us sitting in plush, moveable chairs in a section all to ourselves. There were just three of us sitting in a section made to accommodate at least eight people. But, since we were the first ones in we got to witness everyone else walk in. Once again, laughter ensued. It's fun to sit back and witness how people dress, walk, and act.

Now onto the show. The first up was a good friend of Kevin James'...Richie Minervini. He was hilarious! I always love to hear comedians talk about their families. It lets the rest of us know that we are not alone, especially when it comes to raising teenagers. I think the funniest part of his act was talking about his kids and technology, since I have the same issues with my kids. By the time Kevin James came on stage everyone was already sore from laughter. He gave an awesome performance. We laughed so hard my sides hurt. Since Tina has MS and uses a walker, the best part of the show for us was when he started talking about people with walkers. We laughed so hard as everything he said was so true. Since Tina's walker has wheels, we decided that instead of the typical tennis balls, we needed to get her a few soccer balls for her walker. Stylish, no?

The laughter didn't stop there. Since historic Pensacola is difficult enough to maneuver during the day, we decided to use the GPS to get back to interstate. This poor gal was so confused. I knew which way I wanted to turn, but decided to follow her moves instead, which took us in the opposite direction. After a couple of turns, we were facing the exact direction I wanted to head in the first place. When we finally made it to interstate Tina decided to turn the GPS off. We all felt as if we were in a Jarrod's commercial when the crazy thing not only kept telling us where to go, but refused to turn off. Ten minutes later there was finally silence. I guess we made her mad enough to shut her up! Personally, I think she had too much to drink.

September 4, 2013 (Why I Hate Teacher Conferences)

Today I had to meet with my youngest son's teacher. The school counselor and his reading teacher were invited to join in. The counselor couldn't make it, but the reading teacher did. The meeting started out just fine as we talked about what was going on with him in school, behavior-wise. This was nothing new to me as I have been through this with him every year since he started school. It has just progressed over the years.

Some of the issues we have with him are organization, patience, and tempers. He has been informally diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome. In his case, if you ask him a question or give him a series of tasks he will yell out. It's an automatic response with him. He is also constantly having to either talk or make some sort of noise. He is disruptive in class because of his constant need to make noises. Sometimes you can remind him that he's making noise unnecessarily and he will stop. Other times, saying anything to him just makes him angry and the temper comes out. As far as patience, he doesn't like to wait for anything or anyone. When he wants to do something or wants something, he wants it immediately. If you make him wait he gets angry and throws a temper. If he is not organized or things are a mess he gets angry and starts throwing things, again with the temper.

There are things that I have noticed will help with this. First, he has had one obsession since birth. He likes anything that is sticky. When he was just a couple weeks old, I laid him in his bassinet. I went in later to check on him and the mattress tag was sticking to his face. The tag was sticky because that is where they chose to place the barcode sticker. I was careful to place the tag under the mattress and tucked into the fitted sheet. To this day I have no idea how he was able to get that tag out and stick it to his face at just a couple weeks old. He still likes to carry stickers of any kind and he holds them to his face. It seems to sooth him. The other thing I have found is to hold his shoulders gently, getting face-to-face with him before speaking. In order for him to hear what you are saying you must first get his full attention. He does lash around a bit until he no longer feels threatened. It just takes a couple minutes of reassuring him that he is not in trouble, you just need his full attention.

I say all that to get to the point of this blog, why I hate teacher conferences. As I said, his regular teacher is very understanding and has expressed a great interest in doing whatever it takes to get through to him. Unfortunately, his reading teacher was more interested in telling me what I was doing wrong and needed to change in order to help him to be successful. When I was explaining my personal situation and how difficult it is for me to juggle all my responsibilities, she continued to tell me how she, too, was a single mother of two and if she could make it work so could I. There are so many flaws in her reasoning. The first being that she is in good health and I am still struggling with fibromyalgia and arthritis, which, after a long day of work, finds me without any energy to do much of anything else. I still visit the Cancer Center every 8 weeks to get a port flush. I also doubt that she has had to deal with the health and disability issues that I am faced with every day. While I appreciate that she wants to help my child, not everyone fits the same mold. Just because she found something that worked for her doesn't mean it will work for me and my family. If more people would understand this one tiny fact, the world would be a much more peaceful place.

August 30, 2013 (Niceville High School 50th Anniversary)

Tonight was the celebration of 50 years of Niceville High School. It has been 25 years since I had this much fun at a football game. The walk down memory lane brought laughter and tears. I am so proud to call myself an alumnus of Niceville High School.

The evening started with a walk down memory lane in what is now the cafeteria. Yearbooks were on display for the last 50 years. The first books I went in search for were 1988 and 1989. Since I don't actually own the yearbook for 1988 it was nice to be able to thumb through that year. A very dear friend of mine passed away just days before she was to graduate. It brought tears to my eyes when I came across her picture. I miss her so very much. We called her SLY (Stephanie Lyn York). A few years after she passed away I named my baby girl after her. I also found another very dear friend of mine who passed away in a car accident a number of years ago. I became so nostalgic for the 80s during that short walk. I then proceeded to the 90s where I found my baby brother's photos for his 9th and 10th grade years. I can't believe how little he has changed. Last, I headed to the new millennial table where my daughter's graduating year was located. It seems weird that I have a daughter who is also amongst the alumni at NHS.

After my walk down memory lane I proceeded out to the stadium where I was able to buy the 50 year celebration T-shirt. My daughter also has this same shirt. I quickly changed and returned to the stadium to get ready for the parade of classes. We were arranged by decades. Of course, I followed behind the sign for the 80s. My graduating class was the last of that decade. It was fun to walk the length of the stadium, regardless of our advanced years. Even us old people were able to walk the entire length of the field. Getting to spend this time with a couple of good friends made this night especially grand. I didn't get to spend any of this time with my daughter as she was in Color Guard, so she was hanging out with the band alumni all night. My son is not yet alumni, so he got to spend the evening with his little brother, who is still in elementary school.

Since this was a high school football game as well, I must report that we won the game, 62 to 21. Those boys played a very good game that night. I would like to see this team take State Champs again, since the only time this was ever accomplished was the 25th anniversary of the school by my graduating class. We were such over achievers.

August 27, 2013 (Strike, Spare, Scratch)

So, you may be able to figure out that this blog is about...bowling! I love bowling. I was fortunate to be able to bowl on a league when I was young. Since I was a military brat, I bowled on a YABA (Youth American Bowling Association) league. We had so much fun traveling around to the other bases in Germany to bowl against other teams. We had a very good team put together. We took 1st or 2nd place every year.

Tonight I took the kids bowling. I found a Groupon that gave me shoe rentals for four and two games each. I thought this would be a fun activity as we hadn't bowled since my teenagers were young and the youngest was a baby. Unfortunately, my oldest boy still wasn't feeling well and my daughter complained about everything. After the first game everyone finally settled down and started having a little fun. It is definitely an activity I would like to do again in the future, but I'm not sure I want to do it with my children. I thought I was doing something nice for them by getting them out of the house. But, all my daughter told me was that she wasn't having fun and that I promised them fun. How ungrateful can my children possibly be? Please, don't answer that!

I'm thinking about taking everyone to play Goofy Golf when the temperatures drop a little. But, after the bowling trip I'm not sure if I want to take them. My children have changed in the last five years. There was a time that they were grateful just to get out of the house and have a little fun. Now all they want to do is complain about everything! I am working so hard to try to make ends meet and give them everything they need. All I want is a little appreciation from them for the efforts I put in to try to give them the best life I possibly can. Is that too much to ask???

August 26, 2013 (Sick Again...Why, Oh Why?!)

It has been a few months since anyone in my house was sick, but today broke that record. The boys visited with their dad over the weekend and it never fails. One or both almost always come home sick. Now, the youngest was coughing when he left the house, but that is due to allergies. The oldest wound up sick because he stayed in a room with no air circulation, no AC, and the place is filthy. Neither their dad nor their granny can figure out how to keep a house clean. The other problem is the roach infestation. The place is so taken over that they cannot kill them. This doesn't make for the best of environments.

Of course, their dad has yet to get them back on health insurance. Therefore, if any of them get sick I have to do everything I can to get them well as quickly as I can. I try not to let them get sick by taking every precaution possible, but I can't control the other environments they go into. As a condition of the divorce, their dad was ordered to carry health insurance on the kids, but he has yet to follow through on this. The state has even gone after him to get the insurance, but he keeps filing appeals to keep himself out of trouble. I would have already contacted the Army for help in forcing him to get them back on TRS, but he is up for medical review, so they're not going to enforce anything until they know whether or not he is staying in. This makes for a very difficult life.

The few times that he has promised everything was set up for the following month, he has always found a way to blow the money and put his account in the red before the first of the month. A couple of months it was because he fell for some Russian dating scam where he sent, via Western Union, a few hundred dollars to some chick who claimed she was trapped in Russia and needed to get back to America. Being a former cop, you think he would have been able to figure out this was a scam from the very beginning.

Now, I find out there is another woman that he is supposedly in a relationship with. I want so bad to tell her what she is getting into. This man has three children of his own that he can't figure out how to properly support. Yet, he thinks he is going to take care of another woman and her daughter. Again, he can't even figure out how to get our three children back on health insurance. How is he going to support yet another family?

August 25, 2013 (Weigh Day)

So, when I got up this morning I turned on the Wii and put in Wii Fit. I discovered that I had made better progress than I thought. My weight was down 4.5 lbs. from my pre-cancer weight. I also discovered that I still have excellent balance and posture. That was one of the things I worried about while going through chemo and cancer treatments. My balance was way off during those months. It took me four years to recover my balance. I stumble every once in a while when I'm not feeling well or an infection has invaded my body. But, for the most part I have recovered my balance and posture. To bed sure that everything was correct, I also stepped on my bathroom scale (yes, I finally found it). They are within 5 lbs., so I'd say they were both pretty accurate. The only thing left for me to do is unpack my measuring tape and take my current measurements.

I did start yoga today as well. When you have cats it's very difficult to do anything without one of them wanting your attention. In the course of trying to do yoga, Callie (the youngest) knocked me over and was stepped on. Needless to say, the lesson learned here was that the cats need to be locked up before attempting yoga moves. I was sore the entire day from concentrating on trying to stay up instead of concentrating on my breathing technique. Hopefully the next time won't be as stressful.

Wii Fit also offers strength training and aerobics, so I will most likely be switching up my exercise routine quite often. I look forward to the day I find where I packed the Zumba for Wii. I really do enjoy dance and I think this is going to be a good way for me to lose more weight faster. I tried following Zumba on YouTube, but they position the camera to what they want you to see and you can't always follow the moves. I never did understand why they did this in exercise videos. Isn't the point of the video such that you should be able to copy all the steps, as if you were in an exercise studio? It kind of defeats the purpose if they close in on the faces. Their expressions aren't going to help me to mimic their moves. So, doing these exercises on the Wii helps because they give you a full view at all times and you just mirror their image. Let's see how long I can keep up!

August 24, 2013 (Family Time)

There's nothing like time you spend with your family. My family is on the larger side. For the most part, we are all really close. I enjoy the time that I get to spend with each and every one of them. Tonight was no exception. I spent time with my sister-in-law and niece.

My sister-in-law had made rice pudding earlier in the week. So, after a trip to Wal-Mart, our TV watching snack consisted of homemade rice pudding with rum-soaked raisins and pink moscato. The night's viewing was Cutthroat Kitchen. We had to catch up on the show because a friend of ours, Brian Cartenuto of Tucker Duke's Lunchbox in Valparaiso, Florida, is going to be on the show September 8. I am so excited! The entire Cartenuto family can cook circles around pretty much anybody. His brother, Chris Cartenuto, owns Joey Tomato's in Niceville, Florida.

Tucker Duke's sells the best hamburgers anywhere. I don't know what he uses to flavor his burgers, but even after you are full you just can't stop eating. He expanded into the food truck business not long ago. His brother now runs the Tucker Duke Lunchbox food truck that travels from Destin to Crestview serving some of the best food truck fare ever. Joey Tomato's serves salads and sandwiches during the day, served with their homemade potato chips, and the best Italian fare at night. My favorite nighttime menu item is the portabella mushroom fries.

I know this sounds like a shameless plug for the Cartenuto family, but I promise if you ever travel to the Emerald Coast you absolutely must stop at these two restaurants and give them a try. We have so much to offer here in the Florida Panhandle. Every day can be a new adventure. Hope to see you soon!

August 23, 2013 (Home Alone, Again)

Tonight I went from having too many offers to do things to having absolutely nothing to do. My daughter wanted me to go to the football game with her tonight and my sister-in-law wanted me to go to a movie with her. The problem with going to the movie is that my daughter would need to watch my nieces for us, which she couldn't because she was going to the football game.

So, the first thing that fell apart was the football game. Just before I got off work it started storming. Since it has been hot and humid I didn't want to be out in that if I didn't have to. So, I decided to contact my sister-in-law. She was in town, but she had some errands to run, then she would probably come over. So, I stayed home. I didn't go anywhere.

But, the night wasn't a complete bust. I spent some alone time, in reflection. It feels good to be able to sort through your thoughts and your emotions. I used the time to take a look at myself, a good look. I have figured out that I am a lot harder on myself than anyone else. The reason I am so hard on myself is because I see me, the me that nobody else sees, the me in the mirror. I see the parts of me that have been mutilated. Everyone else sees the cover-up.

It has taken some time, but I have come to accept my body as it is, deformities and all. Which is why I am doing this now. I know it is going to take time, but I am working on trying to resculpt my body into what it should be, ending with the reconstructive surgery. I can't wait until the day I can feel comfortable posting my before and after pictures.

Stay tuned...

August 22, 2013 (OMG...Mom is What?)

When you have kids there are things that you think about all the time. Are they safe? Are they healthy? Are they happy? What does their future hold? Those questions consume your life when you're a parent. But what do you do when the question is "how do I tell my children I'm dating?"

This is the issue I am currently facing. I want to get out and date finally. Tonight I went for drinks with a friend. My daughter, who is 18, came to me and told me that I was "too old" to be dating. What is that??? How am I "too old?" I'm barely in my 40s. I don't see that as "too old." They don't understand that it's hard for me to just be alone. They can't understand that I just need some adult interaction. They can't understand that my friends aren't enough. I want to feel special again. I want to feel beautiful and alive. My friends can say all the right things to make me feel good about myself, but sometimes I just need to hear those things from someone who doesn't feel obligated to say them.

So yes, I am dating now. I am very careful about it. I know the rules of dating and protecting myself and my children. I won't meet anyone at my home or invite anyone to my home. I don't go to their home. I meet in public places. I want to be safe because my children need me. But, I don't want to just sit at home alone. I need to get out. I need to feel good about myself again. I need to feel wanted.

Maybe one day they will understand. Until that time I try my best to keep my kids out of my dating life. It makes it difficult when they ask you where you're going and what you're doing and they don't buy that you are just going to meet a friend.

August 21, 2013 (Over Worked, Under Played)

Today WAS NOT a good day at work. The day started out well enough, but all it takes is one domino to start the whole line falling. Unfortunately, everywhere you work there is always that one person who loves to stir things up. Well, this particular just happened to be in the mood to stir things up today. Now, I'm under the gun and have to go through retraining. The problem I'm facing is that no one likes change. Everything has to stay exactly as it always was. This includes working on outdated software with outdated equipment. How do you cope with trying to work in a modern day office when they don't want to move forward?

I've always been adaptable to change. I've spent my whole life having to adapt to change. From the time I was a baby I have moved at least once every two years, whether it was across state or across town. What I'm not used to is living in the dark ages. It's difficult to help a company move forward and meet its full potential when they don't want the help.

I've always been fascinated by the movie Titanic, and by the circumstances surrounding the real events. With all I know about what happened over 100 years ago, this feels a lot like those stories. I feel like we have hit a massive, unmovable iceberg and we are slowly sinking. The problem is, I don't know whether to jump ship or hold onto the door in the freezing water. I guess only time will tell.

August 20, 2013 (YIPPEE!!!)

Tonight I finally did something for myself, something I haven't done in a long time. I played poker with friends. It was a good night. I hadn't been that happy in a long time. It felt so good to laugh again.

I started out very strong. I won a couple of good hands back-to-back. Then there was a little bit of a lull. I then came back again strong, on an all-in. I lasted in the tournament a total of two hours. That equates to a really good night.

It actually feels good to be able to step outside of my box. It's not easy when you are an introvert. I have never really been a sociable person. When I find myself in a crowded room, I tend to find myself a nice, quiet little spot that I can hide in. When I do meet people I'm very quiet until I get to know them. That doesn't happen often.

I guess that's why I write. It's a safe outlet for me. Yes, putting out a public blog is just that, public. But, it's not like trying to talk to someone face-to-face. I can pour my soul out on the screen a lot easier than I can in person. There are no judgemental looks to deal with. I can handle reading words easier than I can handle a look. I don't know why that is. Anyhow, that's why going out tonight was so important. It was a way for me to break free from some of my insecurities. I guess I'm finally starting to feel human.

August 19, 2013 (School Days, School Daze)

Today was the first day of school, and as predicted, it was a very stressful day. At least, it started out that way. It doesn't make for a good start to the day when you have no idea where you are going or what you are going to do.

I took my oldest boy to school first. Since he had to take summer school and I had not yet heard back from his counselor, the first question that had to be answered was what grade? Thankfully, and because he is so very smart, he had brought over credits from middle school that gave him what he needed to pass. He is officially a 10th grader. It's a good thing too. It would have been awkward if he hadn't since he received the 2013 Scholar Award for the state of Florida for the highest grade on the FCAT for reading, in the entire state.

So, the next thing we needed to know was about his schedule. As I said previously, I had been trying to contact his counselor for two weeks to work out his schedule for the school year. So, when we received the schedule we were a little surprised. Three out of the seven classes were wrong. Two of the classes he was already enrolled in virtually. The other was a class he would have never picked. Since when do counselors choose what classes you're going to take? I'm not thrilled with people who have their own agenda and think it's OK to pass them on to you. Since it was the first day of school and the morning had just begun, we had to wait until 3rd period before seeing someone about getting it changed.

My next stop was my youngest boy's school. Again, we had no idea who his teacher was supposed to be or even where to find his classroom. We had never been to the school before and missed orientation since I hadn't received anything prior to the first day of school. We found out who his teacher was, but had to wait until it was closer to time for school to start to get the paperwork I needed to fill out and meet the new teacher. Thankfully, he had a wonderful first day of school. He loves his teacher and he seems very interested in what he has to learn this year.

Now, back to the high school I go. He signed in to see a counselor and we sat to wait. His 9th grade counselor came out to talk to us after she noticed we had been sitting for a while and no one came out to help. His counselor called a student back who had signed in after us. That was our first clue that we were being ignored. His old counselor asked us to come back to her office and she would help. I am so thankful for her because I don't believe we would have accomplished anything if we had to see his counselor. Needless to say, it's in the works to get his counselor changed. She was also my daughter's counselor and that was the roughest four years. I tried to get her changed too, but because I was still going through cancer treatments and was still very sick I just didn't have the fight I wish I had. I'm not going through that again, and I'm not putting my son through it. I regret that I had to put my daughter through it.

So, by the end of the day, all was well, so far.

August 18, 2013 (Rain, Rain, Go Away)

Anyone reading this who suffers with fibromyalgia or arthritis will be able to relate to this post. On-and-off Friday it rained here in "sunny" Florida. That was just the beginning. It rained all day Saturday. It rained all day Sunday. Now class, who can tell me what happens to your body when it rains and you suffer from one of the mentioned medical issues? Nothing good, I can tell you that!

It starts when you wake up and your whole body aches. I'm not talking about one of those "I slept wrong" kind of aches. I'm talking the "someone is stabbing me repeatedly with a thousand daggers...all at the same time" kind of ache. Then the electric shocks begin. Nothing good comes from those. Normally I would just take my medication and call it a day. But, my insurance doesn't like the cost of Lyrica and want me to pay $300 a month if I want to stay on it. Here's my dilemma. My doctor had tried me on a couple of different medications before deciding on Lyrica. Nothing worked. I was still bent over in excruciating pain, not knowing what was happening to my body. So, instead I stock up on Tylenol Arthritis. That is the only thing that will help in these situations.

Needless to say, I got absolutely NOTHING done this weekend. I did try. In between systems coming through, I did at least complete two loads of laundry and managed to unpack and clean some more dishes in the kitchen. OK, I lied. I did get some things done. But it sure wasn't easy. I spent most the weekend loading up on caffeine to try to help with some of the aches as well. The good thing about this weekend was that the boys were spending it with their dad, so I didn't have anyone here who needed my constant attention. I was able to relax and take care of myself. This isn't something I get to do often.

August 17, 2013 (Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Back to School They Go?)

So, it's Saturday night and after checking the mail I realized that Monday is going to be a very stressful day in my household. I have not received a single piece of mail from either the high school or the elementary school for my boys. We missed the orientations and have no clue where to even begin come Monday. It wasn't for lack of trying, though. I left a number of messages with my oldest son's counselor to discuss his schedule and what classes he needed to take. I never received a call back.

My oldest is brilliant beyond reason. In other words, he's too smart for his own good. Because he didn't feel that he should be made to do homework, he failed...almost everything! Needless to say, it was off to summer school we went. He completed Algebra in the summer school program at his school and was supposed to complete Biology and English at Florida Virtual, but we never heard back from the teacher and he wasn't able to start the class. Since he wasn't able to complete these courses before school started, we have no idea what grade he is in this year. So, Monday morning we will have to find out what grade he is in, then find out what his schedule is. This is a child that does not do well with stressful situations. He never has. Going to the orientation nights is what gets him through his first day of school, since it gives him a chance to get familiar with where his classes are and an idea of the time it will take for him to get to each class. This will not be the case come Monday.

My youngest child is transferring to a new school, since we moved. Again, we had no idea about orientation night. It would have been nice to have that time to get familiar with the school, since it's one we have never been in. We have no idea who his teacher is or where in the school she is located. So, I will have to take him to his first day of school in order to meet his new teacher and get some clue as to where everything is. Have I mentioned how much I do not like starting the school year off stressed?!

August 16, 2013 (Not Just a Bra)

I bet I have you saying, "Hmmm...!" But, this blog isn't about supporting the girls. It's about receiving support! I'm talking about the kind you get from family and friends. Just as you need a good bra for support, you also need good friends, the kind of friends that will be true and honest and tell you when you're messing up.

I know that I have the best friends and family a girl could have to get me through this journey. But, today, I also found out that I have the best co-workers. At lunch today my manager saw the McDonald's bag on my desk. Before you judge, let me finish. My immediate supervisor brought in baked ziti for everyone for lunch today. We wanted a salad to go along with it. McDonald's has a side salad for just $1.00. It's healthy folks. Just let it go. My manager proceeded to tell me that he was happy to see us eating healthy. I told him that I was determined to get ready for this surgery. He told me that he would be watching what I was eating for lunch every day to make sure I was eating healthy. How's that for incentive? Yep, I opened that door wide up!

August 15, 2013 (Mental Wardrobe)

As I sit and scroll through my wall on Facebook, I notice all the fashions posted. For those of you who know me, you know I love fashion. I have a shoe wardrobe that could rival Imelda Marcos. One of my goals is to wear some of those fashions. So, I have decided to create for myself a mental wardrobe of all the outfits I want to wear when this part of my journey is complete. This would probably be the only thing that could get me on Pinterest.

I have a plan for the clothes that I can no longer wear. I have been donating them to charity, but there are some pieces that I just can't part with. these pieces I will be taking to a seamstress to have taken in. Why spend the money on a new wardrobe every 50 lbs. when I can pay a fraction of that to make the clothes I already have fit?

Now, my shoe wardrobe is going to be a whole other story. Already I am noticing that even my shoes are too big. It seems that all the swelling from the last few years has finally gone down. I no longer feel like I have Vienna sausages for toes. I no longer feel like Violet Beauregarde in "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory." I finally feel like a real person again.

August 14, 2013 (Guilty Is as Guilty Does)

Have you ever known that person who walks up to you to say that they know everyone is accusing them of doing this certain thing, and they just want to let you know that they didn't do it? But the thing is, nobody has said anything about them or accused them of anything! Sounds like the speech of a guilty conscience to me.

This happened to me today. I just very politely informed her that she might want to be careful who she is going around saying this to because it sounded like she had a guilty conscience. She assured me she didn't have a guilty conscience, she just wanted to be sure everyone knew she didn't do what everyone was thinking she did. Now, I'm not going to say we weren't thinking it, because we all knew the true story behind what happened, but none of us were talking about it.

The only time you should feel compelled to defend yourself is when someone comes right out and accuses you of something you didn't actually do. Otherwise, I repeat, YOU ARE GUILTY! I believe this belongs on the wall with the criminals who give themselves up by their actions after the fact. "Oh, I'm sorry officer. I didn't mean to let it slip that I robbed a bank. What? That bag of money? I withdrew that from the bank yesterday."

Some of my favorite guilty confessions are from children and dogs. "What chocolate? I didn't eat any chocolate. That brown stuff? I was eating my poop. What are you talking about?" Sorry for the graphic, but you all know kids and animals do this at some point. Who's going to get close enough to find out the truth? Next time you come across someone who comes to you with a "not guilty" confession, just remember the above visual. That way you can at least look at them with a smile when you call them out.

August 13, 2013 (What's in a Number)

What's in a number? When you're talking about age, a lot! When I made the decision to start dating I had one big decision to make. How old is too old and how young is too young? My range is not as wide as you might think when you place my age in the middle. But I will say that the best guide is if the man's age is closer to my daughter than to myself, he is DEFINITELY too young! If the man's age is closer to my mother than to myself, he is DEFINITELY too old! I have already been told by a few guys who fall in the category of closer to my daughter's age that age is just a number. I shouldn't judge their level of maturity by how old they are.

In that they are correct. I know that I was older than my years when I was young. But, the boys who were my age were just that, boys. And considering that boys age slower than girls made dating boys my own age that much harder. I wanted someone who could at least talk to me on my level. If you were still high-fiving and fist-bumping your body who just farted, calling it "a good one", you were definitely not mature enough to date me.

Then there was my ex-husband. He was nearly four years older than me and seemed to be mature at the time. He was going through the police academy and working as an auxiliary officer with the airport police. Little did I know there was a perpetual teenage time bomb just waiting to explode trapped inside that 24-year-old man. Needless to say, that experience has tainted my definition of what mature is. In my book, until a man reaches the age of 35 he is still not at his peak level of maturity or, in some cases, has yet to show his true colors.

So, what is a good number? Honestly, I don't know. All I can say is that it's a case-by-case decision. I have my list of little traits I look for to know whether a man meets my standards or not. If I don't recognize the traits that make a man a man, I will dig a hole, throw that notion down in it, and fill that hole right up. I don't want that notion to ever be entertained again. If I do recognize those traits then we'll cross that age gap when we get to it. In the meantime, I'm just happy to meet new people and get out of the house a little bit. I'll know when that right man comes along that I am willing to extend an invitation to my life. I will know because God will be the one to place him there.

August 12, 2013 (Mommy, NO!!!)

I have discovered a disturbing truth about my children. They are wishy-washy! I remember a conversation I had with my daughter when she was eight years old. She came into my room to "have a talk" with me. My daughter, in her best adult impersonation, tells me I should get a divorce from her daddy. When I asked her why she very matter-of-factly said, "he's a mean man!" She proceeded to tell me that I needed to find another man to be their daddy. At this time I had no idea that my daughter would eventually drop the bomb on me that her daddy had been seeing another woman. You read that right. I said MY DAUGHTER was going to tell me about the other woman. Upon further prodding she also said that it was weird that she was the only child in her school whose parents were still married. Now, I don't know which of these arguments was the driving force behind her request, but that old phrase "out of the mouth of babes" rang very true on that day.

Skip forward to today. My daughter is still a very observant child. She has noticed that I have been texting and talking on the phone more than usual. And why not? She has friends she talks to all the time. But this is different. This is mommy (now mom) finally ready to do what she had suggested so many years ago. I guess she forgot that little conversation we had. When she found out I was talking to guys and possibly making plans to date, her response was less than favorable. I asked her why she felt that way. Apparently at the age she is now the idea of me dating is "just wrong". I am a mom, therefore I am not supposed to date. But, I have a little problem with her thought process. What about her dad? Not only had he cheated on me when she was quite young, he has been dating/seeing other women since the day he walked out of our lives, before we were ever divorced. I'm thinking my child is imposing a double standard on me. It's OK for him to see other women because he is just like that. But, I am the caretaker, mom. In her eyes I am just here to take care of her and her brothers. I'm not supposed to have a life.

I've got news for her. I do have a life and I plan on living it. I will at least make her this one promise. I will not invite a man to my home until I have had a number of "dates" with him and feel comfortable with the fact that he is not a psycho killer. I will not introduce him to my children until I know that there is definite chemistry there and he has expressed the desire to want to be a permanent part of my life. When they finally do meet this man I will allow them to voice their opinion of him to me, but I will not allow them to dictate whether or not I pursue a relationship. My children are my whole world and the man that I allow to enter that world will have to prove his desire to be a part of it. If he expresses any form of dislike for my children I will personally show him to the door. My daughter has to realize that I am a smart woman and very capable of making the right decisions when it comes to who I date. I have been around long enough and have read enough stories to prepare me for this next chapter of my life. Besides, God is in control, not me.

August 11, 2013 (Oh, Happy Day)

If you can't find a scale, what's the best way to know if you are losing weight? Put on a belt! I had to buy myself a belt about six months ago because my clothes were starting to fall off. I thought I would save everyone THAT blinding sight. When I purchased said belt I could only buckle it in the very last notch. Today I realized....I need a new belt! I have finally pulled it as tight as it is going to go. Some of you can only imagine what this must feel like. Some of you know EXACTLY what this feels like.

For those of you who have to imagine, let me help you out. Imagine the one thing you wish you had the freedom to just go out and buy, but don't have the money to get. Now, let's say you start putting away a few dollars here and there hoping to one day reach your goal. Then one day you go to put a little more money aside only to realize that you have finally reached that goal! Just how good would that make you feel? Now, instead of imagining a thing you just have to have, picture yourself obese, not knowing exactly what you did to get this big. Replace the image of yourself stashing away a few dollars here and there with the image of you shedding a few pounds here and there, then suddenly realizing you're no longer obese. See how good that feels?

For the longest time I could feel my clothes getting a little bit loose, but nothing really significant. Then one day I realized I no longer felt fat. I could feel the skinny finally fighting back to reclaim her place in my body. That's not to say that I am actually skinny. I am still obese, but just losing that little bit of weight here and there finally helped me to see that skinny can be possible. I have also noticed that I no longer eat as much as I did. I don't have the cravings that I once had. Now when I walk down the cookie aisle I can walk by those shelves with ease as I no longer have the desire to eat them. I do still indulge in a cookie or anything else sweet that might appease me, but it is no longer a desire to have to buy it. I can have these things in my home and not fear them. I now have control over my body. Look out world, I see a shopping trip in my future!

August 10, 2013 (My Battle Scars)

Cancer is a thief who can rob you of your life, or, at the very least, your soul. I say "can". It "can" only if you let it. One thing I learned from battling cancer is that if you have the fight you win. Some have the fight and still pass away, but that doesn't mean they didn't win. Cancer may have given them the desire to live the rest of their days to the very fullest. They may have traveled to places they wouldn't have if they never had cancer. Maybe they stepped outside of their comfort zone to try something new, and liked it. There are so many things we do not do because we think we have all the time in the world. Then one day you just don't wake up. Where did the time go? What happened to all those things I always said I was going to do? Receiving any kind of diagnosis that could potentially be a death sentence shouldn't be the driving force behind living out your dreams. Why do we have to wait for something tragic before we get up and do something? Wouldn't that dream be more enjoyable if you chased it while you're still healthy? Who really wants to leave this world with regret? I know I don't. I was one of the lucky ones. I was given a second chance.

I have dreams. I even have a bucket list. As a matter of fact, this blog crosses a couple of things off my list. It is giving me the opportunity to showcase my abilities as a writer. It gives me a chance to reach out to women who might have experienced one or all of the many things I have had the (dis)pleasure of experiencing in my life. Most importantly, I stepped out of my box to do something I probably wouldn't have done if I had not received that dreaded diagnosis over four years ago.

Cancer became the tool that was going to set the rest of my life in a positive motion. Most importantly, it removed someone from my life who actually WAS a cancer. I was slowly dying and I didn't even know it. Now, don't get me wrong. I know you're going to read some negative undertone in my posts about my ex-husband. But, understand that the comments I make are not to run him down, but to paint a picture of what my life was like, from my perspective. I can assure you his perspective is far different. With that said, his leaving was the beginning of my healing. So much stress fell off of me that day that I was able to begin to live again. I could breathe again. Eventually, and with the help of my LeadHer sisters, I could feel again. I truly believe that God had placed many opportunities before me to leave on my own. One time I actually did. But, He realized that in order to remove this man from my life he was going to have to do something so drastic that my ex-husband would be the one to walk away. He forced him to either take responsibility for the gifts God had given him, or walk away and leave the key for the man He knew would take care of them.

Like any good soldier, I have my battle scars. Years of living with depression left me in a body that I could no longer recognize, a face worn with time and abuse, hair that lost its luster. Who knew that if you didn't eat you could get fat as well? I didn't. At least, I didn't used to. I now know that in order to take care of this body I have and help it to mend I must eat. I must take control of all the things I neglected that brought me to where I am today. In order to remove years of scar tissue I had to undergo abdominoplasty. Unfortunately, due to my weight, it has left me with yet a couple more battle scars. And finally, the cancer. It left me with the worst battle scar of all....a mastectomy scar. All of these scars can be fixed with time and money. But this only touches on the physical scars that the battle of life can leave.

Other scars are left on the soul, etched in our minds, skewered through our hearts. These are the emotional scars caused by verbal and mental abuse. These are the hardest to mend. You can go through years of therapy trying to get in-touch with your inner self, just to get to the core of what caused those battle scars, but most likely you already know. There is no amount of therapy that is going to erase the words that were fed to you almost daily by the same person who vowed to love you and care for you. There is no amount of therapy that can take away the pain of loving someone who isn't capable of loving you back. These are the scars that can lead you by the hand to your ultimate self-destruction. These are the scars that lead to suicide, self-infliction, or even hurting others so that they feel the same pain you do. Again, I say "can." You can choose to let go of these things that "can" hurt you by not allowing them to. You have the ability to take the power back. You can choose to see yourself as the person you believe you are, or continue to see through the eyes of your tormenter. Don't give them that kind of power over you. Stand up and fight back. These are only scars. They, too, can fade with time.

August 9, 2013 (What's in a (Relationship) Status?)

Being single after 20 years of marriage has been hard. It's lonely. Now, my marriage was not all peaches and cream. Actually, most the time it was vinegar and oil. We didn't mesh well at all. As a matter of fact, when we were going to counseling we were required to take a compatibility test. The question was asked, "How have you stayed together for nearly 20 years?" The reason for this question was that our compatibility score was 99.9% incompatible. The only reason it wasn't 100% was that the score didn't go that high. I think it was just pure determination to try to prove everyone wrong who said we would never make it. The problem was that only one of us really wanted the relationship for all the right reasons. The other one was looking for a trophy. I'll let you guess which was which.

As with any other single male or female over the age of 40, loneliness has set in rather quickly. I know I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I also know that I'm scared to death to trust my heart to anyone else. It's scary to think that I am having to start life all over again at the age of 42. I haven't been on a date since 1990. I have no idea what I'm doing. For the longest time I fought off turning to the internet for help. God only knows what kind of crazies you would meet. I mean, look at the Craig's List killer. That in and of itself is enough to deter anyone in their right mind from looking on the internet. But, how else am I going to ever meet someone? I don't go to bars. I'm not really the party kind of girl. I don't hang out at clubs for the same reason. I do like to dance and have a good time, but I don't want to meet a man who would hang out at either of these places as he probably wouldn't be a good potential next husband, not to mention how young most of them are.

But, I gave in. A friend of mine sent me a link to a free site just to meet new people and get out of the house every once in a while. He was a lifesaver. Even if I don't find anyone I would actually want to meet, I at least have more than my fair share of men wanting to talk to me. Turns out, all I really needed was a little boost of self-confidence and a good strong dose of self-esteem. It does a body good.

Now, why this topic? To say this. You meet someone online. You chat for awhile and get to know one another. You check out each other's photos, likes and dislikes. You only know this person by the photo they have put up as their profile picture. You think you know them by their robotic responses to your questions, telling you what they think you want to hear. How do you know, first of all, that the picture on their profile is even of them? How do you know if there is any truth in their answers to your questions? And then, THAT day comes. The day you change your relationship status to "In a Relationship." Really???!!! You have never actually met this person IN PERSON. You may have chatted on the phone, but everyone is confident and self-assured when they're either talking through chat or on the phone. Doesn't anyone believe in getting to know someone face-to-face before deciding you're "in a relationship?" If she only knew that you were really some over-the-hill, wannabe stud living at home with his mommy and working part-time at a gas station, if you even have a job at all. If he only knew that you were a 14-year-old girl trying to act all grownup online and see how many men you can get to chase you, unaware that you are jailbait.

So again I ask the question, "What's in a (relationship) status?" More cover-up than even the United States Government. Everyone is like an onion. As Shrek would say, "onions have layers...I have layers." Peel back the layers of these people and what do you find? With some people, each layer you peel away is just another tasty morsel. At the core is a beautiful bulb just waiting to be planted and nurtured. With others, the outer peels may look a-peeling (haha...pun), but once you get a few layers in you begin to see the rot. By the time you get to the core there is nothing left worth doing anything with. So, I say to all of you out there who are single and looking. Be VERY careful and use A LOT of precaution when you venture into the world of online dating. Meet in public places until you are confident you know this person before pointing him/her in the direction of your home, your family. And please, before you go changing your relationship status, make sure you have actually MET the person face-to-face. Sorry, Skype or any other form of video conferencing does not count.

August 8, 2013 (Transforming....More than Meets the Eye)

We all do it. We pull out the old yearbooks, the old photo albums. We take our walks down memory lane, over, and over, and over again. Where did the time go? Where did that person go? It has us all singing "Let's do the time-warp again!" At some point in our lives we all "wanna go back in time." But, until that crazy man in the wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey blue box comes knocking at our door, we are stuck with the here-and-now. There is no do-over. There is only today. Question is, do we continue to look behind us at what once was, or do we look forward to where we hope to be?

As I go through this journey, far from being my last, I have to remember to look at the finish line, to the me I really want to be, and not look behind at the things I no longer have any control over. I have to learn to love myself, just as I am. it is not only a transformation of body, but also of mind and spirit. As my body transforms, so does the way I see myself, and how I feel about myself. It's a hard journey to take. Some transformations are better than others. Losing the weight and feeling lighter than I was is great. But, the transformation of my body itself is a little hard to take right now. As I lose the weight I can see where the tissue was removed. The empty void seems to be even more empty.

But, I can now picture what my body will one day look like and no longer look back at where I started. I can picture myself in all these beautiful clothes I see that, not too long ago, I only feigned to one day wear. The more my body transforms, the easier it is for me to see myself actually one day wearing those clothes. Now, if I can just figure out how I'm going to pay for them once I get there.

August 7, 2013 (On the Catwalk)

I have a confession to make. I have an obsession. I love fashion. I am clothes and shoes obsessed, especially shoes. Shoes don't make me look fat. They make me look long and tall, as long as they're heels. Anybody who knows me knows that all I ever wear are heels. The taller I look, the skinnier I look, right? I'm thinking that any motivation is good motivation.

So, since I will eventually have to buy new clothes, I spend a lot of time looking at fashion. I think I have always been fashionable, at least as much as I can at my size. But, I am really looking forward to being able to wear some of the fashions I have been seeing. What most of you don't know is that I wanted to be a fashion model when I was young. Unfortunately, I missed that opportunity. But, where God closes one door He always opens another. It may not necessarily be the door we want to open, but since He already knows my yesterdays, todays, and tomorrows, I can't help but trust Him.

I am so happy to be making this transformation with all of you behind me, encouraging me, praying for me. I am so very blessed. I know this life holds many exciting adventures for me and I plan on enjoying every single one of them. My prayer for all of you is that you find what you want in life and start chasing after it. You never know what it might lead to. I know I'm looking forward to seeing where my adventures take me.

August 6, 2013 (Peace, By Piece, By Piece)

On this night I went to the LeadHer meeting where we watched a video about peace by Christie Love. We were asked where do we find our peace. Now, I know everyone is expecting me to give the good Christian answer - God's word, of course. But, I would be lying and we're not supposed to lie. I find my peace in NOT looking in mirrors. When I look into a mirror I see a woman looking back at me with this blank stare of disbelief. Where did this woman come from who is invading my mirror? Why is she in my mirror? Who invited her to the party? My peace comes from avoiding mirrors and not having to face this woman who has invaded my life and my body. My peace comes from how I feel about myself, me, the woman who dwells inside this broken vessel. As long as I don't look in a mirror I am this woman. I can stand tall, walk confidently, and feel like the most beautiful woman in the world because that's who I am, this woman inside.

This body I am in right now is nothing more than a fragile shell. Like the egg, this outer shell has been hardened by life. But, when you crack it, the most wonderful things come oozing out. With the egg comes two different kinds of wonderful. Either the egg is incubated and a baby chick hatches (new life), or the egg is taken from its nest and refrigerated (new purpose), leaving you with the second best breakfast food of all time (second to bacon, of course). Like the egg, once this cracked and aged shell falls away the most beautiful thing is going to happen. There will be new life that will lead to new purpose.

One of my friends asked a question of everyone on Facebook today. What do you want to achieve in life? I couldn't answer that question on her post because the answer is too long. I have many things I want to achieve in my life, the first being to meet my goal and finally have my reconstructive surgery. What does this have to do with peace? Well, since mirrors are a problem for me right now, it would bring me peace to be able to look at myself in a mirror again and not think of Dr. Frankenstein. It would bring me peace to know that not only did I win the battle, but I also won the war. Depending on who you are and where you are at in life, peace can come in so many different forms. For some, they are in a place right now where their peace does come from the Bible. God can bring about peace if you ask Him, but the Bible isn't the only avenue He uses.

August 5, 2013 (To Provide or NOT to Provide)

I'm posting this a little late today. I've had a little bit of a trying day. As most single moms will tell you, we rely on child support and alimony to take care of us and our children. We may work full-time jobs ourselves, but in today's economy you have to have a second source of income. Unfortunately, a lot of us have to deal with immaturity, self-centeredness, and all around incompetence. How do you feed, clothe, and put a roof over the heads of your children when the money isn't there? Why can't these men figure out that since they contributed to the creation of said children that they also have a responsibility to said children? This goes for the single dads out there dealing with this same issue with their ex-wives.

I know God is my ultimate provider and that as long as I believe in Him and follow His commands for my life that he will make sure our needs are met. I have no doubt that God has chosen a good man for me and my children, someone who will be faithful, loving, and has the ability to provide for our needs. Don't get me wrong. I am, and always have been, very independent.. I have never needed a man to take care of me or meet my needs. However, it's nice to have someone in your life who would be willing to do that for you.

But today, not surprisingly, I had to fight to get the money that was court ordered. As per the order, I receive child support through the state based on his pay from his regular job. On top of that we agreed on an amount that he would pay in excess, based on his disability income, in order to meet the children's needs. Then there is the alimony. As far as the excess and alimony, it was agreed that he would set up an automatic draft to be sent straight from his bank to mine on the first of every month. Well, the last two months that didn't happen. Once again I had to call him and remind him of his obligation to the children. I don't want to hear about how he over-drafted his account the month before. I don't want to hear about how he was tired of not being able to go out and party with his buddies or eat out at a restaurant. Unlike my ex-husband, I don't live at home with my mother. Unlike my ex-husband, I have rent, utilities, and three other mouths to feed. I don't have the luxury of pre-ordering video games and movies whenever I want, instead of putting food on the table. I don't date or go out with my friends usually because my first priority is taking care of my children. If I didn't want the responsibility of having children I would have never become pregnant.

I would love to go out on a date, take in a movie, or meet friends for dinner at a restaurant. I would also love to take my children to a movie every once in a while, treat them to a meal at a favorite restaurant, or afford to have their friends over for fun, food, and games every once in awhile. I would love to be able to save up enough money to take my children on a nice vacation, especially now that my daughter works for the greatest vacation destination of all time. But, for now I live paycheck-to-paycheck just to meet their needs. All I ask is that he cares enough about these children to want to meet their needs. Is that too much to ask? I think not!

August 4, 2013 (Exercise....Killing Me Softly)

Exercise...a necessary evil for a healthy body. Since I am still unpacking and haven't yet found my Zumba for Wii, I decided to turn to YouTube. The first channel I went to was EXTREMELY difficult. So, I changed my search criteria. I searched for Zumba for Beginners. I am so glad they took a small break between dances. And, since I am just starting out, I confess I paused it between songs. Oh, don't judge me. You know you would do the same thing. At least I had a large cup of water to drink in between songs. A few minutes cool down and a bit of hydration helped me make it through at least three songs out of four. Now, I just need to find that scale.

I pulled out the Wii Fit board and found the Wii Fit game, if you can call exercise a game. The cool thing about Wii Fit is that it can track my progress. It tracks my weight (yes, it's a scale too) and my balance progress. I can do Yoga, strength and balance training, and aerobics. I didn't realize how much I missed exercising. I was so fit and healthy when I was young. I look back at pictures of myself 25 years ago and I wonder what happened. I know aging is a natural process and that our scars are the story of ourselves. But, no matter how many times I said that getting angry and depressed only ages you, I still found myself angry and depressed. I tried to deny it, but now that it's all behind me I see that I slipped down that rabbit hole. I'm just happy I had the strength to pull myself back out.

Step one was getting divorced. Step two was finding a place of my own, that I hadn't shared with my ex-husband. Step three was getting off my butt and get moving again. The next step is scheduling. I need to schedule time for exercise, getting things unpacked and organized, getting on top of my finances, and finding time to fit in going back to school. It sounds more overwhelming than it really is. I actually enjoy school. I've always said that if I could make money at it, I would be a career student. Yes, I'm weird that way.

August 3, 2013 (Money: Why is It so Important?)

Let's talk about money. Unfortunately, money is essential to taking care of yourself and your family. That's all good when you have it, but what if you don't? As a lot of you know, and those who have read my previous posts, I am a single mother of three beautiful and talented children. They are my whole world, my life. Years ago, when things started getting real bad between me and my ex-husband, they were the only things that kept me alive. Many times I had thoughts of suicide. With everything I had been through medically, I had access to the pills. It would have been real easy to just take the pills and go to sleep, permanently. For the years that we lived in Crestview, every time I had to drive between Crestview and Niceville, my thoughts would wander to running my car into a tree or driving off the bridge. I wanted to end it all.

The question is why. Why would I want to leave my beautiful children? Why would I want to bring that kind of pain on my family? It was called depression. My downward spiral began when we moved across the street from his mom, the biggest mistake of my life. The first night of our move she came over. While my ex was outside pulling things out of the vehicle, she was inside with me. She was telling me where she wanted the furniture and how I was going to keep the house. I told her that moving into that house was not by my choice. Therefore, if I was going to be forced to move into that home I was going to put my furniture where I wanted it. She went outside and told my ex that I was yelling at her and cussing her out. He came in the house, pushed me up against the refrigerator and told me that if he had to choose between me and his mother, he would choose his mother. He broke my heart that night. I thought that over time it would mend, but once words are spoken they penetrate the soul. That was just the beginning of what was subsequently the end.

Over the years I heard things like "you're fat", "you're ugly", "you're lazy", "no one else would ever want you", basically telling me that it was him or nothing. But I wasn't lazy, or worthless, or ugly. The only thing he got right was that I was overweight. That happens when you're depressed and forget how to take care of yourself. This brings me back to money. He always said the only thing I cared about was the money. That was so far off the truth. The last thing I am is materialistic. I couldn't have cared less about "things". My concern was putting a roof over our heads and food on the table. My concern was how to care for the children that we had together. One of these days I'll tell you more about them.

This brings us back to the topic of money. After finishing chemo, but still undergoing cancer treatments, he came home from work and told me he quit, December of 2009. During the next year the only thing that kept us going was the money we received from the cancer policy. For every treatment I received I was paid by the insurance. My ex decided this was enough for us to live on and he could take that time to do whatever he wanted. To keep from having to find another job he decided to go to college, a path I knew he wasn't cut out for. Once again, he made all the decisions on his own, without talking to me first. As I was nearing the end of my cancer treatments I told him he was going to have to find a job as the insurance money was going to stop. Yet again, without speaking to me first, he chose a path that he wanted to take. He went to work with AmeriCorps. Most of you probably think that is an admirable thing to do, after all, it is for a good cause. I agree. The problem is you get paid a living stipend, not a salary. Since he was designated as a part-time volunteer, the living stipend was less than half the pay for a full-time volunteer. To explain, a living stipend is to help pay for housing while you are volunteering with an organization. Nothing else.

Within a few months of starting this latest adventure, I found out that he hadn't paid any of our bills. By this time I was finished with cancer treatments and going through physical therapy. I tried talking to him about the bills and what we needed to do to get them paid, but he told me he had it handled and he didn't need me telling him what to do. He told me that I needed to go to work because he had worked his whole life and it was time he got to take it easy. How was I supposed to go to work when I couldn't stand for more than five minutes at a time? How was I supposed to go to work when I couldn't lift anything? How was I supposed to go to work when I couldn't bend over to pick anything up due to vertigo? Next thing I knew he had opened a separate account in another bank so that I couldn't get to the money to pay any bills. A couple months later, after a huge fight, I left to get the boys something to eat. When I returned home the truck was gone, his clothes were gone, the computer and video game was gone, the dog was gone. He had left. Now, you should know that the day before this happened I had received a notice from the power company that it was to be turned off December 1, 2010, if they did not receive payment. Instead of helping me figure out what to do about getting the bills paid, he chose to abandon us. I didn't hear from him for a few weeks. When I finally did hear from him it was because he had been in an accident and wanted me to come pick him up. I had no money for food, for gas, for anything. He expected me to go to my parents to get money for gas and bridge toll and come pick him up. Seriously? You abandon your family and still expect them to bail you out when you screw up.

So, I made it through the Christmas holiday with the help of my landlord and family. I went to JobsPlus as a start. They helped me to get the help I was going to need to take care of myself and my children while I was trying to find a job and get back on my feet. It was difficult as I was still dealing with the medical issues created by the chemo and Herceptin. But, through all the pain, I pushed through. My children needed me. I had to work to pay the bills. My parents could only help me for so long. Every day that I went to work was another milestone, another day to prove to myself that I could make it. I hurt, but it was worth it. Every day I asked God to help me, to lead me to that place where I needed to be to take care of myself and my children. They deserved my best.

The time came when I realized he wasn't going to be the one to file for divorce. Since I had to apply to the state for assistance I also had to file for child support. Since we were only separated at this time he couldn't understand how I could go after child support. The state ordered him to pay, but it took several months for all this to go through. He was ordered to pay child support, plus back support to the day he walked out on us. He was forced to get a real job. When it became apparent that he wasn't going to file for divorce, I started the proceedings. I was given extended child support and alimony. I am still waiting to hear back from the state on retirement, for which I am entitled at least half.

Fast forward two years to today. I have a full-time job, a new home, and a new life. Since he struggles at a job he hates, his hours were cut, and so was my child support. He is still ordered to pay the same amount, but with fewer hours he doesn't make enough to pay the full amount. So now I'm left with trying to take care of my kids with very little child support. He was also ordered to carry health insurance on the kids, for which he still has not done. I can't get them on Medicaid because I make too much money to receive assistance. Now that my daughter is also working, I definitely can't get any assistance. Fortunately, we have God on our side. Since my ex-husband left we have not had to want for anything. Somehow, someway, our needs are always met. I give God the glory for seeing us through everything we have struggled with. He is and always will be my rock.