Let's talk about money. Unfortunately, money is essential to taking care of yourself and your family. That's all good when you have it, but what if you don't? As a lot of you know, and those who have read my previous posts, I am a single mother of three beautiful and talented children. They are my whole world, my life. Years ago, when things started getting real bad between me and my ex-husband, they were the only things that kept me alive. Many times I had thoughts of suicide. With everything I had been through medically, I had access to the pills. It would have been real easy to just take the pills and go to sleep, permanently. For the years that we lived in Crestview, every time I had to drive between Crestview and Niceville, my thoughts would wander to running my car into a tree or driving off the bridge. I wanted to end it all.
The question is why. Why would I want to leave my beautiful children? Why would I want to bring that kind of pain on my family? It was called depression. My downward spiral began when we moved across the street from his mom, the biggest mistake of my life. The first night of our move she came over. While my ex was outside pulling things out of the vehicle, she was inside with me. She was telling me where she wanted the furniture and how I was going to keep the house. I told her that moving into that house was not by my choice. Therefore, if I was going to be forced to move into that home I was going to put my furniture where I wanted it. She went outside and told my ex that I was yelling at her and cussing her out. He came in the house, pushed me up against the refrigerator and told me that if he had to choose between me and his mother, he would choose his mother. He broke my heart that night. I thought that over time it would mend, but once words are spoken they penetrate the soul. That was just the beginning of what was subsequently the end.
Over the years I heard things like "you're fat", "you're ugly", "you're lazy", "no one else would ever want you", basically telling me that it was him or nothing. But I wasn't lazy, or worthless, or ugly. The only thing he got right was that I was overweight. That happens when you're depressed and forget how to take care of yourself. This brings me back to money. He always said the only thing I cared about was the money. That was so far off the truth. The last thing I am is materialistic. I couldn't have cared less about "things". My concern was putting a roof over our heads and food on the table. My concern was how to care for the children that we had together. One of these days I'll tell you more about them.
This brings us back to the topic of money. After finishing chemo, but still undergoing cancer treatments, he came home from work and told me he quit, December of 2009. During the next year the only thing that kept us going was the money we received from the cancer policy. For every treatment I received I was paid by the insurance. My ex decided this was enough for us to live on and he could take that time to do whatever he wanted. To keep from having to find another job he decided to go to college, a path I knew he wasn't cut out for. Once again, he made all the decisions on his own, without talking to me first. As I was nearing the end of my cancer treatments I told him he was going to have to find a job as the insurance money was going to stop. Yet again, without speaking to me first, he chose a path that he wanted to take. He went to work with AmeriCorps. Most of you probably think that is an admirable thing to do, after all, it is for a good cause. I agree. The problem is you get paid a living stipend, not a salary. Since he was designated as a part-time volunteer, the living stipend was less than half the pay for a full-time volunteer. To explain, a living stipend is to help pay for housing while you are volunteering with an organization. Nothing else.
Within a few months of starting this latest adventure, I found out that he hadn't paid any of our bills. By this time I was finished with cancer treatments and going through physical therapy. I tried talking to him about the bills and what we needed to do to get them paid, but he told me he had it handled and he didn't need me telling him what to do. He told me that I needed to go to work because he had worked his whole life and it was time he got to take it easy. How was I supposed to go to work when I couldn't stand for more than five minutes at a time? How was I supposed to go to work when I couldn't lift anything? How was I supposed to go to work when I couldn't bend over to pick anything up due to vertigo? Next thing I knew he had opened a separate account in another bank so that I couldn't get to the money to pay any bills. A couple months later, after a huge fight, I left to get the boys something to eat. When I returned home the truck was gone, his clothes were gone, the computer and video game was gone, the dog was gone. He had left. Now, you should know that the day before this happened I had received a notice from the power company that it was to be turned off December 1, 2010, if they did not receive payment. Instead of helping me figure out what to do about getting the bills paid, he chose to abandon us. I didn't hear from him for a few weeks. When I finally did hear from him it was because he had been in an accident and wanted me to come pick him up. I had no money for food, for gas, for anything. He expected me to go to my parents to get money for gas and bridge toll and come pick him up. Seriously? You abandon your family and still expect them to bail you out when you screw up.
So, I made it through the Christmas holiday with the help of my landlord and family. I went to JobsPlus as a start. They helped me to get the help I was going to need to take care of myself and my children while I was trying to find a job and get back on my feet. It was difficult as I was still dealing with the medical issues created by the chemo and Herceptin. But, through all the pain, I pushed through. My children needed me. I had to work to pay the bills. My parents could only help me for so long. Every day that I went to work was another milestone, another day to prove to myself that I could make it. I hurt, but it was worth it. Every day I asked God to help me, to lead me to that place where I needed to be to take care of myself and my children. They deserved my best.
The time came when I realized he wasn't going to be the one to file for divorce. Since I had to apply to the state for assistance I also had to file for child support. Since we were only separated at this time he couldn't understand how I could go after child support. The state ordered him to pay, but it took several months for all this to go through. He was ordered to pay child support, plus back support to the day he walked out on us. He was forced to get a real job. When it became apparent that he wasn't going to file for divorce, I started the proceedings. I was given extended child support and alimony. I am still waiting to hear back from the state on retirement, for which I am entitled at least half.
Fast forward two years to today. I have a full-time job, a new home, and a new life. Since he struggles at a job he hates, his hours were cut, and so was my child support. He is still ordered to pay the same amount, but with fewer hours he doesn't make enough to pay the full amount. So now I'm left with trying to take care of my kids with very little child support. He was also ordered to carry health insurance on the kids, for which he still has not done. I can't get them on Medicaid because I make too much money to receive assistance. Now that my daughter is also working, I definitely can't get any assistance. Fortunately, we have God on our side. Since my ex-husband left we have not had to want for anything. Somehow, someway, our needs are always met. I give God the glory for seeing us through everything we have struggled with. He is and always will be my rock.
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