Cancer is a thief who can rob you of your life, or, at the very least, your soul. I say "can". It "can" only if you let it. One thing I learned from battling cancer is that if you have the fight you win. Some have the fight and still pass away, but that doesn't mean they didn't win. Cancer may have given them the desire to live the rest of their days to the very fullest. They may have traveled to places they wouldn't have if they never had cancer. Maybe they stepped outside of their comfort zone to try something new, and liked it. There are so many things we do not do because we think we have all the time in the world. Then one day you just don't wake up. Where did the time go? What happened to all those things I always said I was going to do? Receiving any kind of diagnosis that could potentially be a death sentence shouldn't be the driving force behind living out your dreams. Why do we have to wait for something tragic before we get up and do something? Wouldn't that dream be more enjoyable if you chased it while you're still healthy? Who really wants to leave this world with regret? I know I don't. I was one of the lucky ones. I was given a second chance.
I have dreams. I even have a bucket list. As a matter of fact, this blog crosses a couple of things off my list. It is giving me the opportunity to showcase my abilities as a writer. It gives me a chance to reach out to women who might have experienced one or all of the many things I have had the (dis)pleasure of experiencing in my life. Most importantly, I stepped out of my box to do something I probably wouldn't have done if I had not received that dreaded diagnosis over four years ago.
Cancer became the tool that was going to set the rest of my life in a positive motion. Most importantly, it removed someone from my life who actually WAS a cancer. I was slowly dying and I didn't even know it. Now, don't get me wrong. I know you're going to read some negative undertone in my posts about my ex-husband. But, understand that the comments I make are not to run him down, but to paint a picture of what my life was like, from my perspective. I can assure you his perspective is far different. With that said, his leaving was the beginning of my healing. So much stress fell off of me that day that I was able to begin to live again. I could breathe again. Eventually, and with the help of my LeadHer sisters, I could feel again. I truly believe that God had placed many opportunities before me to leave on my own. One time I actually did. But, He realized that in order to remove this man from my life he was going to have to do something so drastic that my ex-husband would be the one to walk away. He forced him to either take responsibility for the gifts God had given him, or walk away and leave the key for the man He knew would take care of them.
Like any good soldier, I have my battle scars. Years of living with depression left me in a body that I could no longer recognize, a face worn with time and abuse, hair that lost its luster. Who knew that if you didn't eat you could get fat as well? I didn't. At least, I didn't used to. I now know that in order to take care of this body I have and help it to mend I must eat. I must take control of all the things I neglected that brought me to where I am today. In order to remove years of scar tissue I had to undergo abdominoplasty. Unfortunately, due to my weight, it has left me with yet a couple more battle scars. And finally, the cancer. It left me with the worst battle scar of all....a mastectomy scar. All of these scars can be fixed with time and money. But this only touches on the physical scars that the battle of life can leave.
Other scars are left on the soul, etched in our minds, skewered through our hearts. These are the emotional scars caused by verbal and mental abuse. These are the hardest to mend. You can go through years of therapy trying to get in-touch with your inner self, just to get to the core of what caused those battle scars, but most likely you already know. There is no amount of therapy that is going to erase the words that were fed to you almost daily by the same person who vowed to love you and care for you. There is no amount of therapy that can take away the pain of loving someone who isn't capable of loving you back. These are the scars that can lead you by the hand to your ultimate self-destruction. These are the scars that lead to suicide, self-infliction, or even hurting others so that they feel the same pain you do. Again, I say "can." You can choose to let go of these things that "can" hurt you by not allowing them to. You have the ability to take the power back. You can choose to see yourself as the person you believe you are, or continue to see through the eyes of your tormenter. Don't give them that kind of power over you. Stand up and fight back. These are only scars. They, too, can fade with time.
No comments:
Post a Comment