August 27, 2013 (Strike, Spare, Scratch)

So, you may be able to figure out that this blog is about...bowling! I love bowling. I was fortunate to be able to bowl on a league when I was young. Since I was a military brat, I bowled on a YABA (Youth American Bowling Association) league. We had so much fun traveling around to the other bases in Germany to bowl against other teams. We had a very good team put together. We took 1st or 2nd place every year.

Tonight I took the kids bowling. I found a Groupon that gave me shoe rentals for four and two games each. I thought this would be a fun activity as we hadn't bowled since my teenagers were young and the youngest was a baby. Unfortunately, my oldest boy still wasn't feeling well and my daughter complained about everything. After the first game everyone finally settled down and started having a little fun. It is definitely an activity I would like to do again in the future, but I'm not sure I want to do it with my children. I thought I was doing something nice for them by getting them out of the house. But, all my daughter told me was that she wasn't having fun and that I promised them fun. How ungrateful can my children possibly be? Please, don't answer that!

I'm thinking about taking everyone to play Goofy Golf when the temperatures drop a little. But, after the bowling trip I'm not sure if I want to take them. My children have changed in the last five years. There was a time that they were grateful just to get out of the house and have a little fun. Now all they want to do is complain about everything! I am working so hard to try to make ends meet and give them everything they need. All I want is a little appreciation from them for the efforts I put in to try to give them the best life I possibly can. Is that too much to ask???

August 26, 2013 (Sick Again...Why, Oh Why?!)

It has been a few months since anyone in my house was sick, but today broke that record. The boys visited with their dad over the weekend and it never fails. One or both almost always come home sick. Now, the youngest was coughing when he left the house, but that is due to allergies. The oldest wound up sick because he stayed in a room with no air circulation, no AC, and the place is filthy. Neither their dad nor their granny can figure out how to keep a house clean. The other problem is the roach infestation. The place is so taken over that they cannot kill them. This doesn't make for the best of environments.

Of course, their dad has yet to get them back on health insurance. Therefore, if any of them get sick I have to do everything I can to get them well as quickly as I can. I try not to let them get sick by taking every precaution possible, but I can't control the other environments they go into. As a condition of the divorce, their dad was ordered to carry health insurance on the kids, but he has yet to follow through on this. The state has even gone after him to get the insurance, but he keeps filing appeals to keep himself out of trouble. I would have already contacted the Army for help in forcing him to get them back on TRS, but he is up for medical review, so they're not going to enforce anything until they know whether or not he is staying in. This makes for a very difficult life.

The few times that he has promised everything was set up for the following month, he has always found a way to blow the money and put his account in the red before the first of the month. A couple of months it was because he fell for some Russian dating scam where he sent, via Western Union, a few hundred dollars to some chick who claimed she was trapped in Russia and needed to get back to America. Being a former cop, you think he would have been able to figure out this was a scam from the very beginning.

Now, I find out there is another woman that he is supposedly in a relationship with. I want so bad to tell her what she is getting into. This man has three children of his own that he can't figure out how to properly support. Yet, he thinks he is going to take care of another woman and her daughter. Again, he can't even figure out how to get our three children back on health insurance. How is he going to support yet another family?

August 25, 2013 (Weigh Day)

So, when I got up this morning I turned on the Wii and put in Wii Fit. I discovered that I had made better progress than I thought. My weight was down 4.5 lbs. from my pre-cancer weight. I also discovered that I still have excellent balance and posture. That was one of the things I worried about while going through chemo and cancer treatments. My balance was way off during those months. It took me four years to recover my balance. I stumble every once in a while when I'm not feeling well or an infection has invaded my body. But, for the most part I have recovered my balance and posture. To bed sure that everything was correct, I also stepped on my bathroom scale (yes, I finally found it). They are within 5 lbs., so I'd say they were both pretty accurate. The only thing left for me to do is unpack my measuring tape and take my current measurements.

I did start yoga today as well. When you have cats it's very difficult to do anything without one of them wanting your attention. In the course of trying to do yoga, Callie (the youngest) knocked me over and was stepped on. Needless to say, the lesson learned here was that the cats need to be locked up before attempting yoga moves. I was sore the entire day from concentrating on trying to stay up instead of concentrating on my breathing technique. Hopefully the next time won't be as stressful.

Wii Fit also offers strength training and aerobics, so I will most likely be switching up my exercise routine quite often. I look forward to the day I find where I packed the Zumba for Wii. I really do enjoy dance and I think this is going to be a good way for me to lose more weight faster. I tried following Zumba on YouTube, but they position the camera to what they want you to see and you can't always follow the moves. I never did understand why they did this in exercise videos. Isn't the point of the video such that you should be able to copy all the steps, as if you were in an exercise studio? It kind of defeats the purpose if they close in on the faces. Their expressions aren't going to help me to mimic their moves. So, doing these exercises on the Wii helps because they give you a full view at all times and you just mirror their image. Let's see how long I can keep up!

August 24, 2013 (Family Time)

There's nothing like time you spend with your family. My family is on the larger side. For the most part, we are all really close. I enjoy the time that I get to spend with each and every one of them. Tonight was no exception. I spent time with my sister-in-law and niece.

My sister-in-law had made rice pudding earlier in the week. So, after a trip to Wal-Mart, our TV watching snack consisted of homemade rice pudding with rum-soaked raisins and pink moscato. The night's viewing was Cutthroat Kitchen. We had to catch up on the show because a friend of ours, Brian Cartenuto of Tucker Duke's Lunchbox in Valparaiso, Florida, is going to be on the show September 8. I am so excited! The entire Cartenuto family can cook circles around pretty much anybody. His brother, Chris Cartenuto, owns Joey Tomato's in Niceville, Florida.

Tucker Duke's sells the best hamburgers anywhere. I don't know what he uses to flavor his burgers, but even after you are full you just can't stop eating. He expanded into the food truck business not long ago. His brother now runs the Tucker Duke Lunchbox food truck that travels from Destin to Crestview serving some of the best food truck fare ever. Joey Tomato's serves salads and sandwiches during the day, served with their homemade potato chips, and the best Italian fare at night. My favorite nighttime menu item is the portabella mushroom fries.

I know this sounds like a shameless plug for the Cartenuto family, but I promise if you ever travel to the Emerald Coast you absolutely must stop at these two restaurants and give them a try. We have so much to offer here in the Florida Panhandle. Every day can be a new adventure. Hope to see you soon!

August 23, 2013 (Home Alone, Again)

Tonight I went from having too many offers to do things to having absolutely nothing to do. My daughter wanted me to go to the football game with her tonight and my sister-in-law wanted me to go to a movie with her. The problem with going to the movie is that my daughter would need to watch my nieces for us, which she couldn't because she was going to the football game.

So, the first thing that fell apart was the football game. Just before I got off work it started storming. Since it has been hot and humid I didn't want to be out in that if I didn't have to. So, I decided to contact my sister-in-law. She was in town, but she had some errands to run, then she would probably come over. So, I stayed home. I didn't go anywhere.

But, the night wasn't a complete bust. I spent some alone time, in reflection. It feels good to be able to sort through your thoughts and your emotions. I used the time to take a look at myself, a good look. I have figured out that I am a lot harder on myself than anyone else. The reason I am so hard on myself is because I see me, the me that nobody else sees, the me in the mirror. I see the parts of me that have been mutilated. Everyone else sees the cover-up.

It has taken some time, but I have come to accept my body as it is, deformities and all. Which is why I am doing this now. I know it is going to take time, but I am working on trying to resculpt my body into what it should be, ending with the reconstructive surgery. I can't wait until the day I can feel comfortable posting my before and after pictures.

Stay tuned...

August 22, 2013 (OMG...Mom is What?)

When you have kids there are things that you think about all the time. Are they safe? Are they healthy? Are they happy? What does their future hold? Those questions consume your life when you're a parent. But what do you do when the question is "how do I tell my children I'm dating?"

This is the issue I am currently facing. I want to get out and date finally. Tonight I went for drinks with a friend. My daughter, who is 18, came to me and told me that I was "too old" to be dating. What is that??? How am I "too old?" I'm barely in my 40s. I don't see that as "too old." They don't understand that it's hard for me to just be alone. They can't understand that I just need some adult interaction. They can't understand that my friends aren't enough. I want to feel special again. I want to feel beautiful and alive. My friends can say all the right things to make me feel good about myself, but sometimes I just need to hear those things from someone who doesn't feel obligated to say them.

So yes, I am dating now. I am very careful about it. I know the rules of dating and protecting myself and my children. I won't meet anyone at my home or invite anyone to my home. I don't go to their home. I meet in public places. I want to be safe because my children need me. But, I don't want to just sit at home alone. I need to get out. I need to feel good about myself again. I need to feel wanted.

Maybe one day they will understand. Until that time I try my best to keep my kids out of my dating life. It makes it difficult when they ask you where you're going and what you're doing and they don't buy that you are just going to meet a friend.

August 21, 2013 (Over Worked, Under Played)

Today WAS NOT a good day at work. The day started out well enough, but all it takes is one domino to start the whole line falling. Unfortunately, everywhere you work there is always that one person who loves to stir things up. Well, this particular just happened to be in the mood to stir things up today. Now, I'm under the gun and have to go through retraining. The problem I'm facing is that no one likes change. Everything has to stay exactly as it always was. This includes working on outdated software with outdated equipment. How do you cope with trying to work in a modern day office when they don't want to move forward?

I've always been adaptable to change. I've spent my whole life having to adapt to change. From the time I was a baby I have moved at least once every two years, whether it was across state or across town. What I'm not used to is living in the dark ages. It's difficult to help a company move forward and meet its full potential when they don't want the help.

I've always been fascinated by the movie Titanic, and by the circumstances surrounding the real events. With all I know about what happened over 100 years ago, this feels a lot like those stories. I feel like we have hit a massive, unmovable iceberg and we are slowly sinking. The problem is, I don't know whether to jump ship or hold onto the door in the freezing water. I guess only time will tell.

August 20, 2013 (YIPPEE!!!)

Tonight I finally did something for myself, something I haven't done in a long time. I played poker with friends. It was a good night. I hadn't been that happy in a long time. It felt so good to laugh again.

I started out very strong. I won a couple of good hands back-to-back. Then there was a little bit of a lull. I then came back again strong, on an all-in. I lasted in the tournament a total of two hours. That equates to a really good night.

It actually feels good to be able to step outside of my box. It's not easy when you are an introvert. I have never really been a sociable person. When I find myself in a crowded room, I tend to find myself a nice, quiet little spot that I can hide in. When I do meet people I'm very quiet until I get to know them. That doesn't happen often.

I guess that's why I write. It's a safe outlet for me. Yes, putting out a public blog is just that, public. But, it's not like trying to talk to someone face-to-face. I can pour my soul out on the screen a lot easier than I can in person. There are no judgemental looks to deal with. I can handle reading words easier than I can handle a look. I don't know why that is. Anyhow, that's why going out tonight was so important. It was a way for me to break free from some of my insecurities. I guess I'm finally starting to feel human.

August 19, 2013 (School Days, School Daze)

Today was the first day of school, and as predicted, it was a very stressful day. At least, it started out that way. It doesn't make for a good start to the day when you have no idea where you are going or what you are going to do.

I took my oldest boy to school first. Since he had to take summer school and I had not yet heard back from his counselor, the first question that had to be answered was what grade? Thankfully, and because he is so very smart, he had brought over credits from middle school that gave him what he needed to pass. He is officially a 10th grader. It's a good thing too. It would have been awkward if he hadn't since he received the 2013 Scholar Award for the state of Florida for the highest grade on the FCAT for reading, in the entire state.

So, the next thing we needed to know was about his schedule. As I said previously, I had been trying to contact his counselor for two weeks to work out his schedule for the school year. So, when we received the schedule we were a little surprised. Three out of the seven classes were wrong. Two of the classes he was already enrolled in virtually. The other was a class he would have never picked. Since when do counselors choose what classes you're going to take? I'm not thrilled with people who have their own agenda and think it's OK to pass them on to you. Since it was the first day of school and the morning had just begun, we had to wait until 3rd period before seeing someone about getting it changed.

My next stop was my youngest boy's school. Again, we had no idea who his teacher was supposed to be or even where to find his classroom. We had never been to the school before and missed orientation since I hadn't received anything prior to the first day of school. We found out who his teacher was, but had to wait until it was closer to time for school to start to get the paperwork I needed to fill out and meet the new teacher. Thankfully, he had a wonderful first day of school. He loves his teacher and he seems very interested in what he has to learn this year.

Now, back to the high school I go. He signed in to see a counselor and we sat to wait. His 9th grade counselor came out to talk to us after she noticed we had been sitting for a while and no one came out to help. His counselor called a student back who had signed in after us. That was our first clue that we were being ignored. His old counselor asked us to come back to her office and she would help. I am so thankful for her because I don't believe we would have accomplished anything if we had to see his counselor. Needless to say, it's in the works to get his counselor changed. She was also my daughter's counselor and that was the roughest four years. I tried to get her changed too, but because I was still going through cancer treatments and was still very sick I just didn't have the fight I wish I had. I'm not going through that again, and I'm not putting my son through it. I regret that I had to put my daughter through it.

So, by the end of the day, all was well, so far.

August 18, 2013 (Rain, Rain, Go Away)

Anyone reading this who suffers with fibromyalgia or arthritis will be able to relate to this post. On-and-off Friday it rained here in "sunny" Florida. That was just the beginning. It rained all day Saturday. It rained all day Sunday. Now class, who can tell me what happens to your body when it rains and you suffer from one of the mentioned medical issues? Nothing good, I can tell you that!

It starts when you wake up and your whole body aches. I'm not talking about one of those "I slept wrong" kind of aches. I'm talking the "someone is stabbing me repeatedly with a thousand daggers...all at the same time" kind of ache. Then the electric shocks begin. Nothing good comes from those. Normally I would just take my medication and call it a day. But, my insurance doesn't like the cost of Lyrica and want me to pay $300 a month if I want to stay on it. Here's my dilemma. My doctor had tried me on a couple of different medications before deciding on Lyrica. Nothing worked. I was still bent over in excruciating pain, not knowing what was happening to my body. So, instead I stock up on Tylenol Arthritis. That is the only thing that will help in these situations.

Needless to say, I got absolutely NOTHING done this weekend. I did try. In between systems coming through, I did at least complete two loads of laundry and managed to unpack and clean some more dishes in the kitchen. OK, I lied. I did get some things done. But it sure wasn't easy. I spent most the weekend loading up on caffeine to try to help with some of the aches as well. The good thing about this weekend was that the boys were spending it with their dad, so I didn't have anyone here who needed my constant attention. I was able to relax and take care of myself. This isn't something I get to do often.

August 17, 2013 (Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Back to School They Go?)

So, it's Saturday night and after checking the mail I realized that Monday is going to be a very stressful day in my household. I have not received a single piece of mail from either the high school or the elementary school for my boys. We missed the orientations and have no clue where to even begin come Monday. It wasn't for lack of trying, though. I left a number of messages with my oldest son's counselor to discuss his schedule and what classes he needed to take. I never received a call back.

My oldest is brilliant beyond reason. In other words, he's too smart for his own good. Because he didn't feel that he should be made to do homework, he failed...almost everything! Needless to say, it was off to summer school we went. He completed Algebra in the summer school program at his school and was supposed to complete Biology and English at Florida Virtual, but we never heard back from the teacher and he wasn't able to start the class. Since he wasn't able to complete these courses before school started, we have no idea what grade he is in this year. So, Monday morning we will have to find out what grade he is in, then find out what his schedule is. This is a child that does not do well with stressful situations. He never has. Going to the orientation nights is what gets him through his first day of school, since it gives him a chance to get familiar with where his classes are and an idea of the time it will take for him to get to each class. This will not be the case come Monday.

My youngest child is transferring to a new school, since we moved. Again, we had no idea about orientation night. It would have been nice to have that time to get familiar with the school, since it's one we have never been in. We have no idea who his teacher is or where in the school she is located. So, I will have to take him to his first day of school in order to meet his new teacher and get some clue as to where everything is. Have I mentioned how much I do not like starting the school year off stressed?!

August 16, 2013 (Not Just a Bra)

I bet I have you saying, "Hmmm...!" But, this blog isn't about supporting the girls. It's about receiving support! I'm talking about the kind you get from family and friends. Just as you need a good bra for support, you also need good friends, the kind of friends that will be true and honest and tell you when you're messing up.

I know that I have the best friends and family a girl could have to get me through this journey. But, today, I also found out that I have the best co-workers. At lunch today my manager saw the McDonald's bag on my desk. Before you judge, let me finish. My immediate supervisor brought in baked ziti for everyone for lunch today. We wanted a salad to go along with it. McDonald's has a side salad for just $1.00. It's healthy folks. Just let it go. My manager proceeded to tell me that he was happy to see us eating healthy. I told him that I was determined to get ready for this surgery. He told me that he would be watching what I was eating for lunch every day to make sure I was eating healthy. How's that for incentive? Yep, I opened that door wide up!

August 15, 2013 (Mental Wardrobe)

As I sit and scroll through my wall on Facebook, I notice all the fashions posted. For those of you who know me, you know I love fashion. I have a shoe wardrobe that could rival Imelda Marcos. One of my goals is to wear some of those fashions. So, I have decided to create for myself a mental wardrobe of all the outfits I want to wear when this part of my journey is complete. This would probably be the only thing that could get me on Pinterest.

I have a plan for the clothes that I can no longer wear. I have been donating them to charity, but there are some pieces that I just can't part with. these pieces I will be taking to a seamstress to have taken in. Why spend the money on a new wardrobe every 50 lbs. when I can pay a fraction of that to make the clothes I already have fit?

Now, my shoe wardrobe is going to be a whole other story. Already I am noticing that even my shoes are too big. It seems that all the swelling from the last few years has finally gone down. I no longer feel like I have Vienna sausages for toes. I no longer feel like Violet Beauregarde in "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory." I finally feel like a real person again.

August 14, 2013 (Guilty Is as Guilty Does)

Have you ever known that person who walks up to you to say that they know everyone is accusing them of doing this certain thing, and they just want to let you know that they didn't do it? But the thing is, nobody has said anything about them or accused them of anything! Sounds like the speech of a guilty conscience to me.

This happened to me today. I just very politely informed her that she might want to be careful who she is going around saying this to because it sounded like she had a guilty conscience. She assured me she didn't have a guilty conscience, she just wanted to be sure everyone knew she didn't do what everyone was thinking she did. Now, I'm not going to say we weren't thinking it, because we all knew the true story behind what happened, but none of us were talking about it.

The only time you should feel compelled to defend yourself is when someone comes right out and accuses you of something you didn't actually do. Otherwise, I repeat, YOU ARE GUILTY! I believe this belongs on the wall with the criminals who give themselves up by their actions after the fact. "Oh, I'm sorry officer. I didn't mean to let it slip that I robbed a bank. What? That bag of money? I withdrew that from the bank yesterday."

Some of my favorite guilty confessions are from children and dogs. "What chocolate? I didn't eat any chocolate. That brown stuff? I was eating my poop. What are you talking about?" Sorry for the graphic, but you all know kids and animals do this at some point. Who's going to get close enough to find out the truth? Next time you come across someone who comes to you with a "not guilty" confession, just remember the above visual. That way you can at least look at them with a smile when you call them out.

August 13, 2013 (What's in a Number)

What's in a number? When you're talking about age, a lot! When I made the decision to start dating I had one big decision to make. How old is too old and how young is too young? My range is not as wide as you might think when you place my age in the middle. But I will say that the best guide is if the man's age is closer to my daughter than to myself, he is DEFINITELY too young! If the man's age is closer to my mother than to myself, he is DEFINITELY too old! I have already been told by a few guys who fall in the category of closer to my daughter's age that age is just a number. I shouldn't judge their level of maturity by how old they are.

In that they are correct. I know that I was older than my years when I was young. But, the boys who were my age were just that, boys. And considering that boys age slower than girls made dating boys my own age that much harder. I wanted someone who could at least talk to me on my level. If you were still high-fiving and fist-bumping your body who just farted, calling it "a good one", you were definitely not mature enough to date me.

Then there was my ex-husband. He was nearly four years older than me and seemed to be mature at the time. He was going through the police academy and working as an auxiliary officer with the airport police. Little did I know there was a perpetual teenage time bomb just waiting to explode trapped inside that 24-year-old man. Needless to say, that experience has tainted my definition of what mature is. In my book, until a man reaches the age of 35 he is still not at his peak level of maturity or, in some cases, has yet to show his true colors.

So, what is a good number? Honestly, I don't know. All I can say is that it's a case-by-case decision. I have my list of little traits I look for to know whether a man meets my standards or not. If I don't recognize the traits that make a man a man, I will dig a hole, throw that notion down in it, and fill that hole right up. I don't want that notion to ever be entertained again. If I do recognize those traits then we'll cross that age gap when we get to it. In the meantime, I'm just happy to meet new people and get out of the house a little bit. I'll know when that right man comes along that I am willing to extend an invitation to my life. I will know because God will be the one to place him there.

August 12, 2013 (Mommy, NO!!!)

I have discovered a disturbing truth about my children. They are wishy-washy! I remember a conversation I had with my daughter when she was eight years old. She came into my room to "have a talk" with me. My daughter, in her best adult impersonation, tells me I should get a divorce from her daddy. When I asked her why she very matter-of-factly said, "he's a mean man!" She proceeded to tell me that I needed to find another man to be their daddy. At this time I had no idea that my daughter would eventually drop the bomb on me that her daddy had been seeing another woman. You read that right. I said MY DAUGHTER was going to tell me about the other woman. Upon further prodding she also said that it was weird that she was the only child in her school whose parents were still married. Now, I don't know which of these arguments was the driving force behind her request, but that old phrase "out of the mouth of babes" rang very true on that day.

Skip forward to today. My daughter is still a very observant child. She has noticed that I have been texting and talking on the phone more than usual. And why not? She has friends she talks to all the time. But this is different. This is mommy (now mom) finally ready to do what she had suggested so many years ago. I guess she forgot that little conversation we had. When she found out I was talking to guys and possibly making plans to date, her response was less than favorable. I asked her why she felt that way. Apparently at the age she is now the idea of me dating is "just wrong". I am a mom, therefore I am not supposed to date. But, I have a little problem with her thought process. What about her dad? Not only had he cheated on me when she was quite young, he has been dating/seeing other women since the day he walked out of our lives, before we were ever divorced. I'm thinking my child is imposing a double standard on me. It's OK for him to see other women because he is just like that. But, I am the caretaker, mom. In her eyes I am just here to take care of her and her brothers. I'm not supposed to have a life.

I've got news for her. I do have a life and I plan on living it. I will at least make her this one promise. I will not invite a man to my home until I have had a number of "dates" with him and feel comfortable with the fact that he is not a psycho killer. I will not introduce him to my children until I know that there is definite chemistry there and he has expressed the desire to want to be a permanent part of my life. When they finally do meet this man I will allow them to voice their opinion of him to me, but I will not allow them to dictate whether or not I pursue a relationship. My children are my whole world and the man that I allow to enter that world will have to prove his desire to be a part of it. If he expresses any form of dislike for my children I will personally show him to the door. My daughter has to realize that I am a smart woman and very capable of making the right decisions when it comes to who I date. I have been around long enough and have read enough stories to prepare me for this next chapter of my life. Besides, God is in control, not me.

August 11, 2013 (Oh, Happy Day)

If you can't find a scale, what's the best way to know if you are losing weight? Put on a belt! I had to buy myself a belt about six months ago because my clothes were starting to fall off. I thought I would save everyone THAT blinding sight. When I purchased said belt I could only buckle it in the very last notch. Today I realized....I need a new belt! I have finally pulled it as tight as it is going to go. Some of you can only imagine what this must feel like. Some of you know EXACTLY what this feels like.

For those of you who have to imagine, let me help you out. Imagine the one thing you wish you had the freedom to just go out and buy, but don't have the money to get. Now, let's say you start putting away a few dollars here and there hoping to one day reach your goal. Then one day you go to put a little more money aside only to realize that you have finally reached that goal! Just how good would that make you feel? Now, instead of imagining a thing you just have to have, picture yourself obese, not knowing exactly what you did to get this big. Replace the image of yourself stashing away a few dollars here and there with the image of you shedding a few pounds here and there, then suddenly realizing you're no longer obese. See how good that feels?

For the longest time I could feel my clothes getting a little bit loose, but nothing really significant. Then one day I realized I no longer felt fat. I could feel the skinny finally fighting back to reclaim her place in my body. That's not to say that I am actually skinny. I am still obese, but just losing that little bit of weight here and there finally helped me to see that skinny can be possible. I have also noticed that I no longer eat as much as I did. I don't have the cravings that I once had. Now when I walk down the cookie aisle I can walk by those shelves with ease as I no longer have the desire to eat them. I do still indulge in a cookie or anything else sweet that might appease me, but it is no longer a desire to have to buy it. I can have these things in my home and not fear them. I now have control over my body. Look out world, I see a shopping trip in my future!

August 10, 2013 (My Battle Scars)

Cancer is a thief who can rob you of your life, or, at the very least, your soul. I say "can". It "can" only if you let it. One thing I learned from battling cancer is that if you have the fight you win. Some have the fight and still pass away, but that doesn't mean they didn't win. Cancer may have given them the desire to live the rest of their days to the very fullest. They may have traveled to places they wouldn't have if they never had cancer. Maybe they stepped outside of their comfort zone to try something new, and liked it. There are so many things we do not do because we think we have all the time in the world. Then one day you just don't wake up. Where did the time go? What happened to all those things I always said I was going to do? Receiving any kind of diagnosis that could potentially be a death sentence shouldn't be the driving force behind living out your dreams. Why do we have to wait for something tragic before we get up and do something? Wouldn't that dream be more enjoyable if you chased it while you're still healthy? Who really wants to leave this world with regret? I know I don't. I was one of the lucky ones. I was given a second chance.

I have dreams. I even have a bucket list. As a matter of fact, this blog crosses a couple of things off my list. It is giving me the opportunity to showcase my abilities as a writer. It gives me a chance to reach out to women who might have experienced one or all of the many things I have had the (dis)pleasure of experiencing in my life. Most importantly, I stepped out of my box to do something I probably wouldn't have done if I had not received that dreaded diagnosis over four years ago.

Cancer became the tool that was going to set the rest of my life in a positive motion. Most importantly, it removed someone from my life who actually WAS a cancer. I was slowly dying and I didn't even know it. Now, don't get me wrong. I know you're going to read some negative undertone in my posts about my ex-husband. But, understand that the comments I make are not to run him down, but to paint a picture of what my life was like, from my perspective. I can assure you his perspective is far different. With that said, his leaving was the beginning of my healing. So much stress fell off of me that day that I was able to begin to live again. I could breathe again. Eventually, and with the help of my LeadHer sisters, I could feel again. I truly believe that God had placed many opportunities before me to leave on my own. One time I actually did. But, He realized that in order to remove this man from my life he was going to have to do something so drastic that my ex-husband would be the one to walk away. He forced him to either take responsibility for the gifts God had given him, or walk away and leave the key for the man He knew would take care of them.

Like any good soldier, I have my battle scars. Years of living with depression left me in a body that I could no longer recognize, a face worn with time and abuse, hair that lost its luster. Who knew that if you didn't eat you could get fat as well? I didn't. At least, I didn't used to. I now know that in order to take care of this body I have and help it to mend I must eat. I must take control of all the things I neglected that brought me to where I am today. In order to remove years of scar tissue I had to undergo abdominoplasty. Unfortunately, due to my weight, it has left me with yet a couple more battle scars. And finally, the cancer. It left me with the worst battle scar of all....a mastectomy scar. All of these scars can be fixed with time and money. But this only touches on the physical scars that the battle of life can leave.

Other scars are left on the soul, etched in our minds, skewered through our hearts. These are the emotional scars caused by verbal and mental abuse. These are the hardest to mend. You can go through years of therapy trying to get in-touch with your inner self, just to get to the core of what caused those battle scars, but most likely you already know. There is no amount of therapy that is going to erase the words that were fed to you almost daily by the same person who vowed to love you and care for you. There is no amount of therapy that can take away the pain of loving someone who isn't capable of loving you back. These are the scars that can lead you by the hand to your ultimate self-destruction. These are the scars that lead to suicide, self-infliction, or even hurting others so that they feel the same pain you do. Again, I say "can." You can choose to let go of these things that "can" hurt you by not allowing them to. You have the ability to take the power back. You can choose to see yourself as the person you believe you are, or continue to see through the eyes of your tormenter. Don't give them that kind of power over you. Stand up and fight back. These are only scars. They, too, can fade with time.

August 9, 2013 (What's in a (Relationship) Status?)

Being single after 20 years of marriage has been hard. It's lonely. Now, my marriage was not all peaches and cream. Actually, most the time it was vinegar and oil. We didn't mesh well at all. As a matter of fact, when we were going to counseling we were required to take a compatibility test. The question was asked, "How have you stayed together for nearly 20 years?" The reason for this question was that our compatibility score was 99.9% incompatible. The only reason it wasn't 100% was that the score didn't go that high. I think it was just pure determination to try to prove everyone wrong who said we would never make it. The problem was that only one of us really wanted the relationship for all the right reasons. The other one was looking for a trophy. I'll let you guess which was which.

As with any other single male or female over the age of 40, loneliness has set in rather quickly. I know I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I also know that I'm scared to death to trust my heart to anyone else. It's scary to think that I am having to start life all over again at the age of 42. I haven't been on a date since 1990. I have no idea what I'm doing. For the longest time I fought off turning to the internet for help. God only knows what kind of crazies you would meet. I mean, look at the Craig's List killer. That in and of itself is enough to deter anyone in their right mind from looking on the internet. But, how else am I going to ever meet someone? I don't go to bars. I'm not really the party kind of girl. I don't hang out at clubs for the same reason. I do like to dance and have a good time, but I don't want to meet a man who would hang out at either of these places as he probably wouldn't be a good potential next husband, not to mention how young most of them are.

But, I gave in. A friend of mine sent me a link to a free site just to meet new people and get out of the house every once in a while. He was a lifesaver. Even if I don't find anyone I would actually want to meet, I at least have more than my fair share of men wanting to talk to me. Turns out, all I really needed was a little boost of self-confidence and a good strong dose of self-esteem. It does a body good.

Now, why this topic? To say this. You meet someone online. You chat for awhile and get to know one another. You check out each other's photos, likes and dislikes. You only know this person by the photo they have put up as their profile picture. You think you know them by their robotic responses to your questions, telling you what they think you want to hear. How do you know, first of all, that the picture on their profile is even of them? How do you know if there is any truth in their answers to your questions? And then, THAT day comes. The day you change your relationship status to "In a Relationship." Really???!!! You have never actually met this person IN PERSON. You may have chatted on the phone, but everyone is confident and self-assured when they're either talking through chat or on the phone. Doesn't anyone believe in getting to know someone face-to-face before deciding you're "in a relationship?" If she only knew that you were really some over-the-hill, wannabe stud living at home with his mommy and working part-time at a gas station, if you even have a job at all. If he only knew that you were a 14-year-old girl trying to act all grownup online and see how many men you can get to chase you, unaware that you are jailbait.

So again I ask the question, "What's in a (relationship) status?" More cover-up than even the United States Government. Everyone is like an onion. As Shrek would say, "onions have layers...I have layers." Peel back the layers of these people and what do you find? With some people, each layer you peel away is just another tasty morsel. At the core is a beautiful bulb just waiting to be planted and nurtured. With others, the outer peels may look a-peeling (haha...pun), but once you get a few layers in you begin to see the rot. By the time you get to the core there is nothing left worth doing anything with. So, I say to all of you out there who are single and looking. Be VERY careful and use A LOT of precaution when you venture into the world of online dating. Meet in public places until you are confident you know this person before pointing him/her in the direction of your home, your family. And please, before you go changing your relationship status, make sure you have actually MET the person face-to-face. Sorry, Skype or any other form of video conferencing does not count.

August 8, 2013 (Transforming....More than Meets the Eye)

We all do it. We pull out the old yearbooks, the old photo albums. We take our walks down memory lane, over, and over, and over again. Where did the time go? Where did that person go? It has us all singing "Let's do the time-warp again!" At some point in our lives we all "wanna go back in time." But, until that crazy man in the wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey blue box comes knocking at our door, we are stuck with the here-and-now. There is no do-over. There is only today. Question is, do we continue to look behind us at what once was, or do we look forward to where we hope to be?

As I go through this journey, far from being my last, I have to remember to look at the finish line, to the me I really want to be, and not look behind at the things I no longer have any control over. I have to learn to love myself, just as I am. it is not only a transformation of body, but also of mind and spirit. As my body transforms, so does the way I see myself, and how I feel about myself. It's a hard journey to take. Some transformations are better than others. Losing the weight and feeling lighter than I was is great. But, the transformation of my body itself is a little hard to take right now. As I lose the weight I can see where the tissue was removed. The empty void seems to be even more empty.

But, I can now picture what my body will one day look like and no longer look back at where I started. I can picture myself in all these beautiful clothes I see that, not too long ago, I only feigned to one day wear. The more my body transforms, the easier it is for me to see myself actually one day wearing those clothes. Now, if I can just figure out how I'm going to pay for them once I get there.

August 7, 2013 (On the Catwalk)

I have a confession to make. I have an obsession. I love fashion. I am clothes and shoes obsessed, especially shoes. Shoes don't make me look fat. They make me look long and tall, as long as they're heels. Anybody who knows me knows that all I ever wear are heels. The taller I look, the skinnier I look, right? I'm thinking that any motivation is good motivation.

So, since I will eventually have to buy new clothes, I spend a lot of time looking at fashion. I think I have always been fashionable, at least as much as I can at my size. But, I am really looking forward to being able to wear some of the fashions I have been seeing. What most of you don't know is that I wanted to be a fashion model when I was young. Unfortunately, I missed that opportunity. But, where God closes one door He always opens another. It may not necessarily be the door we want to open, but since He already knows my yesterdays, todays, and tomorrows, I can't help but trust Him.

I am so happy to be making this transformation with all of you behind me, encouraging me, praying for me. I am so very blessed. I know this life holds many exciting adventures for me and I plan on enjoying every single one of them. My prayer for all of you is that you find what you want in life and start chasing after it. You never know what it might lead to. I know I'm looking forward to seeing where my adventures take me.

August 6, 2013 (Peace, By Piece, By Piece)

On this night I went to the LeadHer meeting where we watched a video about peace by Christie Love. We were asked where do we find our peace. Now, I know everyone is expecting me to give the good Christian answer - God's word, of course. But, I would be lying and we're not supposed to lie. I find my peace in NOT looking in mirrors. When I look into a mirror I see a woman looking back at me with this blank stare of disbelief. Where did this woman come from who is invading my mirror? Why is she in my mirror? Who invited her to the party? My peace comes from avoiding mirrors and not having to face this woman who has invaded my life and my body. My peace comes from how I feel about myself, me, the woman who dwells inside this broken vessel. As long as I don't look in a mirror I am this woman. I can stand tall, walk confidently, and feel like the most beautiful woman in the world because that's who I am, this woman inside.

This body I am in right now is nothing more than a fragile shell. Like the egg, this outer shell has been hardened by life. But, when you crack it, the most wonderful things come oozing out. With the egg comes two different kinds of wonderful. Either the egg is incubated and a baby chick hatches (new life), or the egg is taken from its nest and refrigerated (new purpose), leaving you with the second best breakfast food of all time (second to bacon, of course). Like the egg, once this cracked and aged shell falls away the most beautiful thing is going to happen. There will be new life that will lead to new purpose.

One of my friends asked a question of everyone on Facebook today. What do you want to achieve in life? I couldn't answer that question on her post because the answer is too long. I have many things I want to achieve in my life, the first being to meet my goal and finally have my reconstructive surgery. What does this have to do with peace? Well, since mirrors are a problem for me right now, it would bring me peace to be able to look at myself in a mirror again and not think of Dr. Frankenstein. It would bring me peace to know that not only did I win the battle, but I also won the war. Depending on who you are and where you are at in life, peace can come in so many different forms. For some, they are in a place right now where their peace does come from the Bible. God can bring about peace if you ask Him, but the Bible isn't the only avenue He uses.

August 5, 2013 (To Provide or NOT to Provide)

I'm posting this a little late today. I've had a little bit of a trying day. As most single moms will tell you, we rely on child support and alimony to take care of us and our children. We may work full-time jobs ourselves, but in today's economy you have to have a second source of income. Unfortunately, a lot of us have to deal with immaturity, self-centeredness, and all around incompetence. How do you feed, clothe, and put a roof over the heads of your children when the money isn't there? Why can't these men figure out that since they contributed to the creation of said children that they also have a responsibility to said children? This goes for the single dads out there dealing with this same issue with their ex-wives.

I know God is my ultimate provider and that as long as I believe in Him and follow His commands for my life that he will make sure our needs are met. I have no doubt that God has chosen a good man for me and my children, someone who will be faithful, loving, and has the ability to provide for our needs. Don't get me wrong. I am, and always have been, very independent.. I have never needed a man to take care of me or meet my needs. However, it's nice to have someone in your life who would be willing to do that for you.

But today, not surprisingly, I had to fight to get the money that was court ordered. As per the order, I receive child support through the state based on his pay from his regular job. On top of that we agreed on an amount that he would pay in excess, based on his disability income, in order to meet the children's needs. Then there is the alimony. As far as the excess and alimony, it was agreed that he would set up an automatic draft to be sent straight from his bank to mine on the first of every month. Well, the last two months that didn't happen. Once again I had to call him and remind him of his obligation to the children. I don't want to hear about how he over-drafted his account the month before. I don't want to hear about how he was tired of not being able to go out and party with his buddies or eat out at a restaurant. Unlike my ex-husband, I don't live at home with my mother. Unlike my ex-husband, I have rent, utilities, and three other mouths to feed. I don't have the luxury of pre-ordering video games and movies whenever I want, instead of putting food on the table. I don't date or go out with my friends usually because my first priority is taking care of my children. If I didn't want the responsibility of having children I would have never become pregnant.

I would love to go out on a date, take in a movie, or meet friends for dinner at a restaurant. I would also love to take my children to a movie every once in a while, treat them to a meal at a favorite restaurant, or afford to have their friends over for fun, food, and games every once in awhile. I would love to be able to save up enough money to take my children on a nice vacation, especially now that my daughter works for the greatest vacation destination of all time. But, for now I live paycheck-to-paycheck just to meet their needs. All I ask is that he cares enough about these children to want to meet their needs. Is that too much to ask? I think not!

August 4, 2013 (Exercise....Killing Me Softly)

Exercise...a necessary evil for a healthy body. Since I am still unpacking and haven't yet found my Zumba for Wii, I decided to turn to YouTube. The first channel I went to was EXTREMELY difficult. So, I changed my search criteria. I searched for Zumba for Beginners. I am so glad they took a small break between dances. And, since I am just starting out, I confess I paused it between songs. Oh, don't judge me. You know you would do the same thing. At least I had a large cup of water to drink in between songs. A few minutes cool down and a bit of hydration helped me make it through at least three songs out of four. Now, I just need to find that scale.

I pulled out the Wii Fit board and found the Wii Fit game, if you can call exercise a game. The cool thing about Wii Fit is that it can track my progress. It tracks my weight (yes, it's a scale too) and my balance progress. I can do Yoga, strength and balance training, and aerobics. I didn't realize how much I missed exercising. I was so fit and healthy when I was young. I look back at pictures of myself 25 years ago and I wonder what happened. I know aging is a natural process and that our scars are the story of ourselves. But, no matter how many times I said that getting angry and depressed only ages you, I still found myself angry and depressed. I tried to deny it, but now that it's all behind me I see that I slipped down that rabbit hole. I'm just happy I had the strength to pull myself back out.

Step one was getting divorced. Step two was finding a place of my own, that I hadn't shared with my ex-husband. Step three was getting off my butt and get moving again. The next step is scheduling. I need to schedule time for exercise, getting things unpacked and organized, getting on top of my finances, and finding time to fit in going back to school. It sounds more overwhelming than it really is. I actually enjoy school. I've always said that if I could make money at it, I would be a career student. Yes, I'm weird that way.

August 3, 2013 (Money: Why is It so Important?)

Let's talk about money. Unfortunately, money is essential to taking care of yourself and your family. That's all good when you have it, but what if you don't? As a lot of you know, and those who have read my previous posts, I am a single mother of three beautiful and talented children. They are my whole world, my life. Years ago, when things started getting real bad between me and my ex-husband, they were the only things that kept me alive. Many times I had thoughts of suicide. With everything I had been through medically, I had access to the pills. It would have been real easy to just take the pills and go to sleep, permanently. For the years that we lived in Crestview, every time I had to drive between Crestview and Niceville, my thoughts would wander to running my car into a tree or driving off the bridge. I wanted to end it all.

The question is why. Why would I want to leave my beautiful children? Why would I want to bring that kind of pain on my family? It was called depression. My downward spiral began when we moved across the street from his mom, the biggest mistake of my life. The first night of our move she came over. While my ex was outside pulling things out of the vehicle, she was inside with me. She was telling me where she wanted the furniture and how I was going to keep the house. I told her that moving into that house was not by my choice. Therefore, if I was going to be forced to move into that home I was going to put my furniture where I wanted it. She went outside and told my ex that I was yelling at her and cussing her out. He came in the house, pushed me up against the refrigerator and told me that if he had to choose between me and his mother, he would choose his mother. He broke my heart that night. I thought that over time it would mend, but once words are spoken they penetrate the soul. That was just the beginning of what was subsequently the end.

Over the years I heard things like "you're fat", "you're ugly", "you're lazy", "no one else would ever want you", basically telling me that it was him or nothing. But I wasn't lazy, or worthless, or ugly. The only thing he got right was that I was overweight. That happens when you're depressed and forget how to take care of yourself. This brings me back to money. He always said the only thing I cared about was the money. That was so far off the truth. The last thing I am is materialistic. I couldn't have cared less about "things". My concern was putting a roof over our heads and food on the table. My concern was how to care for the children that we had together. One of these days I'll tell you more about them.

This brings us back to the topic of money. After finishing chemo, but still undergoing cancer treatments, he came home from work and told me he quit, December of 2009. During the next year the only thing that kept us going was the money we received from the cancer policy. For every treatment I received I was paid by the insurance. My ex decided this was enough for us to live on and he could take that time to do whatever he wanted. To keep from having to find another job he decided to go to college, a path I knew he wasn't cut out for. Once again, he made all the decisions on his own, without talking to me first. As I was nearing the end of my cancer treatments I told him he was going to have to find a job as the insurance money was going to stop. Yet again, without speaking to me first, he chose a path that he wanted to take. He went to work with AmeriCorps. Most of you probably think that is an admirable thing to do, after all, it is for a good cause. I agree. The problem is you get paid a living stipend, not a salary. Since he was designated as a part-time volunteer, the living stipend was less than half the pay for a full-time volunteer. To explain, a living stipend is to help pay for housing while you are volunteering with an organization. Nothing else.

Within a few months of starting this latest adventure, I found out that he hadn't paid any of our bills. By this time I was finished with cancer treatments and going through physical therapy. I tried talking to him about the bills and what we needed to do to get them paid, but he told me he had it handled and he didn't need me telling him what to do. He told me that I needed to go to work because he had worked his whole life and it was time he got to take it easy. How was I supposed to go to work when I couldn't stand for more than five minutes at a time? How was I supposed to go to work when I couldn't lift anything? How was I supposed to go to work when I couldn't bend over to pick anything up due to vertigo? Next thing I knew he had opened a separate account in another bank so that I couldn't get to the money to pay any bills. A couple months later, after a huge fight, I left to get the boys something to eat. When I returned home the truck was gone, his clothes were gone, the computer and video game was gone, the dog was gone. He had left. Now, you should know that the day before this happened I had received a notice from the power company that it was to be turned off December 1, 2010, if they did not receive payment. Instead of helping me figure out what to do about getting the bills paid, he chose to abandon us. I didn't hear from him for a few weeks. When I finally did hear from him it was because he had been in an accident and wanted me to come pick him up. I had no money for food, for gas, for anything. He expected me to go to my parents to get money for gas and bridge toll and come pick him up. Seriously? You abandon your family and still expect them to bail you out when you screw up.

So, I made it through the Christmas holiday with the help of my landlord and family. I went to JobsPlus as a start. They helped me to get the help I was going to need to take care of myself and my children while I was trying to find a job and get back on my feet. It was difficult as I was still dealing with the medical issues created by the chemo and Herceptin. But, through all the pain, I pushed through. My children needed me. I had to work to pay the bills. My parents could only help me for so long. Every day that I went to work was another milestone, another day to prove to myself that I could make it. I hurt, but it was worth it. Every day I asked God to help me, to lead me to that place where I needed to be to take care of myself and my children. They deserved my best.

The time came when I realized he wasn't going to be the one to file for divorce. Since I had to apply to the state for assistance I also had to file for child support. Since we were only separated at this time he couldn't understand how I could go after child support. The state ordered him to pay, but it took several months for all this to go through. He was ordered to pay child support, plus back support to the day he walked out on us. He was forced to get a real job. When it became apparent that he wasn't going to file for divorce, I started the proceedings. I was given extended child support and alimony. I am still waiting to hear back from the state on retirement, for which I am entitled at least half.

Fast forward two years to today. I have a full-time job, a new home, and a new life. Since he struggles at a job he hates, his hours were cut, and so was my child support. He is still ordered to pay the same amount, but with fewer hours he doesn't make enough to pay the full amount. So now I'm left with trying to take care of my kids with very little child support. He was also ordered to carry health insurance on the kids, for which he still has not done. I can't get them on Medicaid because I make too much money to receive assistance. Now that my daughter is also working, I definitely can't get any assistance. Fortunately, we have God on our side. Since my ex-husband left we have not had to want for anything. Somehow, someway, our needs are always met. I give God the glory for seeing us through everything we have struggled with. He is and always will be my rock.

August 2, 2013 (What Does It Take?)

I have a problem. I can't seem to keep my clothes on. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're wrong. This is a good problem. It means I'm going in the right direction. It means I have to invest in safety pins...a lot of them. The plan is, as soon as I drop to a certain weight I'm going to find someone who can do alterations. I figure it will be cheaper to have my clothes altered than to buy a new wardrobe as I reach each milestone. Now, as a woman, the idea of shopping for new clothes, especially in a smaller size, is intriguing. But, financially, that is not a very good idea. I'm not saying I won't buy any new clothes at all, but I will only buy what I absolutely need to get buy. After all, I don't want to scare people.

I am still feeling tall and slender. This is a big difference from the way I felt not that long ago. For years now I have felt inflated, kind of like an overfilled balloon. I have been uncomfortable in my body. Now that I can actually feel the weight coming off, I don't feel that way anymore. When I walk I stand taller. When I sit I don't feel like I am holding a bowling ball. When I lay down at night I can get comfortable, unlike before when I would go to bed feeling like I was sleeping on pool noodles. I know I have a long way to go to reach my goal, but for the first time in a very long time I feel like me again. I don't feel like the skinny girl that was swallowed whole by the fat girl anymore. The skinny girl has finally decided to stand up for herself, stand tall, walk confidently. The skinny girl is finally taking over.

I have started eating healthy. I do still have things that maybe I shouldn't, but I'm not going cold turkey. I'm not going to deprive myself, because I know where that will lead. I watch my portions now, even though I still have to eat larger portions than most of you would think I should eat. For the size I am right now my body still requires more food. Regardless of what the skinny people who have never been fat will tell you - you should only consume 1500 calories a day - your body requires enough calories to help you burn fat. The heavier you are, the more you should consume. This is called balance people. We all know the expression "tip the scale". Well, this has positive and negative connotations. I'll start with the negative. When you deprive yourself of the calories your body needs for the weight you are you tip the scales negatively. You're imbalanced. When you overeat because of sadness, depression, etc., you tip the scales negatively. Again, you're imbalanced. The only way to tip the scales positively is to balance your weight with what you eat. Maintaining this balance will help you to feel better about yourself and the weight loss will follow.

I am also completely convinced that our emotions have a lot to do with weight. In my own life, when I feel loved, accepted, and in good spirits I feel better about myself. These emotions motivate me to get up and get moving. Even if I come home after a hard day at work, I may feel tired, but I feel like I can accomplish anything. I can push myself further. I also feel pretty, sexy. I want to do more with my hair and work harder at putting together flattering outfits. On the other hand, when I feel sad, rejected, depressed, I drag at work, and when I get home at night I just want to sit, sleep. I don't feel pretty, definitely not sexy, and I just throw together whatever matches. I much prefer the former. I like to look pretty. I like putting together outfits that are flattering, putting my hair up in pretty do's, even wearing makeup on occasion. Now, being a Florida girl, makeup is not something that I see as a necessity, since the minute I walk out the door it starts to melt off my face in the humidity. Besides, my skin thanks me for allowing it to breathe. I don't expect to look like Miss America, but I do want to at least feel pretty again. Losing the weight, checking my emotions, these things definitely help. Now, if I can just keep these feelings alive!

August 1, 2013 (And So It Begins)

Today is the first day of the journey - the journey to reconstructive surgery. I say this is a journey because I have a long way to go to be healthy enough to undergo another surgery. I have decided to document this journey in order to have a record of my progress and to encourage others who may be undergoing the same or similar journeys. This journey is going to be an emotional one, so I hope you brought along a box of tissues.

Let's start with the diagnosis: Stage 2 breast cancer. I don't remember the rest of the diagnosis, but I do remember being surprised since there is no history of breast cancer in my family. This was April 9, 2009. I remember that date well as it was my mom's birthday, after which I was informed to never give her another birthday present. I guess that means she wasn't too happy with my gift to her that year. Oh well.

Things moved so fast after I was given the news that I didn't even have time to process what I was told. Before I knew it I was in surgery. I have to back it up just a bit before I can move forward. Two months before I was diagnosed with breast cancer my doctors thought I had ovarian cancer. I was doubling over in pain at work. I went to the doctor and had an x-ray done. This showed an enlargement of my ovary. They needed a MRI to take a closer look. This revealed a tumor ON my ovary, NOT the ovary itself. I had to have surgery to remove it and, since I had already had multiple surgeries using the same site, I had to undergo abdominoplasty. Almost two weeks later, on February 14, 2009, I was rushed to the ER because I couldn't breathe. I had a blood clot in my right lung. I had to give myself shots of Lovenox and take Coumadin orally in an attempt to thin my blood. Apparently my blood runs very thick because after weeks of increasing my dosage to reach the level they wanted me to be at (which we never did) I was told they couldn't increase it anymore. I was at the maximum dose. Fortunately, it was enough to get rid of the blood clot.

Now, let's take a leap forward, back to the surgery. Since I couldn't be on blood thinners for surgery I was switched to heparin drips. After the surgery, and before I could be released home, I had to get back on the Coumadin and raise my levels again. Again, the Coumadin couldn't work alone. After couple of days of trial and error they decided I needed Lovenox shots again. I was to have the shot and be released the next day. I guess I wasn't really ready to go home yet. During the night I woke up to go to the bathroom. While I was standing at the sink washing my hands I noticed something on the side of my gown. There was a large blood spot at least the size of a dinner plate. I looked at my bed and it was also covered in blood. I don't know if it was the sight of the blood or the amount of blood I had lost, but I became very lightheaded. I called for the nurse. The source of the bleed was my drainage port. The nurse helped me to get cleaned up and back to bed. But, just a couple hours later I woke up in a pool of blood again. This time I was lightheaded because I had lost so much blood. They contacted my doctor. When she saw what was happening she ordered a drain. After she was done suctioning the blood from my body I had lost over 3 pints of blood. I couldn't just stop at that. That would have been boring. It was also discovered that I had a staphylococcus infection. This was caused by bacteria on the outside of my body entering my blood through the bleed. I now had the honor of taking IV antibiotics. Because I had lost so much blood they also wanted to transfuse me. I begged for other options. I had heard horror stories from blood transfusions (after all, I was a medical transcriptionist for over five years). The only other option was IV iron, but this was a long shot. I was willing to try. Oh, did I mention I was the comedienne for the floor I was on? During my transfusion I told them I could taste walnut brownies. That was new to them. Everyone else claimed to have a metal taste in their mouth. So, after dinner that night, guess what they sent up for dessert. Go ahead, guess. Ha! It was a walnut brownie.

When I was finally released to go home I had been in the hospital for 17 days. No, I did not try to fake illness to stay in the hospital so I could sleep on that comfy sleep number bed. But, I did ask if they would notice me pushing it out of the hospital when I left. I could hide it under my hospital gown. They would never notice.

From the time I was discovered to have a tumor through physical therapy, I had to tell each doctor I consulted with about my past. They all came to the same conclusion. My cancer was caused by stress. Not surprising, they each also told me I needed to get a divorce because my relationship with my husband was going to kill me. That's a story for another time.

Since this story is already long enough, I'm going to skip forward a couple years. In December of 2010 my husband decided he couldn't handle our life. He walked out, leaving me and the kids to pick up the pieces of our already broken life. This was the REAL beginning of my journey as I had been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and arthritis. It was going to be a long road back to any semblance of a normal life. Since that time, another story for another time, I found a job that I love, moved into a house that I love, and I am happily divorced. I'm not saying there is no stress in my life now, but it is greatly reduced.

So, today I will begin documenting my progress. I will be taking a before picture to post on my Facebook page and getting my measurements. Strap yourselves in tight and keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times. AND AWAY WE GO!