When I look in the mirror I see a science project gone wrong. I look at myself and wonder how anyone is ever going to fall in love with me. I know this is a self-pity party, but if you saw what I see every day I think you would understand. This body of mine has been through a lot in its....cough, cough...40-ish years. I have been through a few surgeries that have left me somewhat disfigured. It's not that obvious to everyone else because I've learned the fine art of camouflage. I know how to dress this body to make it look somewhat presentable. But, once you peel back the layers of this onion you will definitely tear up.
Why do I have this misconception? Could it be because all the guys I know are with thin, beautiful women? Could it be because all the males I know are always hanging out with thin, beautiful women? Nah...well, maybe a little. My biggest problem is that women don't tend to view a man's appearance the way men view a woman. We don't look at a man and see his size. We notice his eyes, his voice, his personality. Guys, from my own experience, notice a woman's butt, breasts, and, if he makes it that far, her eyes. Just listen to the songs on the radio. Florida Georgia Line comes to mind. And have you seen the music videos? The girls in these videos are thin, young, and beautiful. Just once I would like to see the girls that these guys sing about as plus-sized and curvaceous.
I know my feelings are just insecurities, but it's hard not to have insecurities when you've been carved up like a Frankenstein project. I need to spend more time focusing on the parts of me that I do think are nice. So, here goes....in my opinion, I have nice hair, pretty eyes, and I still have nice legs (at least the bottom half). I think I'm fairly stylish and dress well for my size. Just to let you know, writing these things about myself makes me feel very uncomfortable. But, it's better to face my insecurities than run from them. I better post this before I lose my confidence.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
October 15, 2013 (Mamma Mia)
"Knowing Me, Knowing You", I say be a "Super Trouper" and "Take a Chance on Me." "Honey, Honey," I want to be your "Dancing Queen."
I have always loved ABBA. Growing up in the 70s and early 80s these songs played often. When my kids were little a group called A-Teens came on the scene (a.k.a. ABBA Teens). My daughter took a liking to that sound of music and became a huge ABBA fan as well. When we took the kids to Disney World in 2006 there was a group playing a show in Epcot Center called "Bjorn Again." It was so much fun getting to sing along with them.
Tonight, a good friend of mine treated me to the Broadway production of "Mamma Mia." It was so much fun. I love this show so much that I own it on DVD...times 2! You know, just in case one gets warn out. The Broadway show was almost identical to the movie, and vice versa. This show had an amazing cast. There was a lot of talent on that stage tonight. The music moved me so that I wanted to get up and dance and sing along with them. There were even a few ladies who "dressed up" for the show, go-go boots and all! I guess some people really get into the experience.
Speaking of dress-up, the costumes worn in this production were amazing. The costumes created for Donna and the Dynamos were very much ABBA. All-in-all, this show was definitely one to remember. It was one of those shows that when it was over, you wish it wasn't. These are the times you wish you could just hit a repeat button and continue the fun.
I have always loved ABBA. Growing up in the 70s and early 80s these songs played often. When my kids were little a group called A-Teens came on the scene (a.k.a. ABBA Teens). My daughter took a liking to that sound of music and became a huge ABBA fan as well. When we took the kids to Disney World in 2006 there was a group playing a show in Epcot Center called "Bjorn Again." It was so much fun getting to sing along with them.
Tonight, a good friend of mine treated me to the Broadway production of "Mamma Mia." It was so much fun. I love this show so much that I own it on DVD...times 2! You know, just in case one gets warn out. The Broadway show was almost identical to the movie, and vice versa. This show had an amazing cast. There was a lot of talent on that stage tonight. The music moved me so that I wanted to get up and dance and sing along with them. There were even a few ladies who "dressed up" for the show, go-go boots and all! I guess some people really get into the experience.
Speaking of dress-up, the costumes worn in this production were amazing. The costumes created for Donna and the Dynamos were very much ABBA. All-in-all, this show was definitely one to remember. It was one of those shows that when it was over, you wish it wasn't. These are the times you wish you could just hit a repeat button and continue the fun.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
October 9, 2013 (Out of the Mouths of Babes)
While my sister-in-law was watching President Obama on the television give a speech, my 19-month-old niece stopped to listen. After standing there a few minutes listening to him talk she uttered "mo-mo" and walked away. For those of you who don't know what this means, it is slang for moron. Isn't it funny how young children have such discernment when it comes to character?
This incident reminded me of a time many years ago when Bill Clinton was in office. My daughter was just a baby when he was in office. One day I couldn't help but laugh. She was sitting on the floor playing with her toys as I was flipping through the channels trying to find something good to watch. I stopped just briefly on a channel that was showing President Clinton giving a speech. My daughter stopped playing and started crying. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I thought maybe she hurt herself on one of her toys. I quickly changed the channel before checking to see what had happened. As soon as I changed the channel she stopped crying. I sat back down and started flipping through the channels again. Again, I came across a channel that was showing him giving a speech. Again, she started crying. Again, I changed the channel. Again, she stopped crying. I called my husband at the time into the room and told him to watch our daughter. I flipped through the channels until I came across him speaking. Immediately she started crying. I flipped it to the next channel and she stopped. I flipped back and forth between the channels a couple of times. Every time Bill Clinton was talking she cried.
Over the years I have witnessed many children show disdain toward certain people, only to find out that these people really were not nice people. I have witnessed, and been one of those children, who scared adults, perfect strangers to the child, by running over to them. When I was about three my mother was going through the airport with me and my brother. He was little, so she had to carry him. I was at least old enough to walk. I was jealous that he was being carried and I had to walk. After all, I was still little too and my legs were tired. I sat down and refused to move. My mom was getting quite agitated with me. I was so mad at her that I ran over to this stranger who was sitting down and climbed into his lap. The poor man about had a heart attack. He must have been a decent person because I doubt at that age I would have felt comfortable enough to do that. Nowadays I just get strange looks if I go sit in some random guy's lap. I guess it's not as cute anymore.
This incident reminded me of a time many years ago when Bill Clinton was in office. My daughter was just a baby when he was in office. One day I couldn't help but laugh. She was sitting on the floor playing with her toys as I was flipping through the channels trying to find something good to watch. I stopped just briefly on a channel that was showing President Clinton giving a speech. My daughter stopped playing and started crying. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I thought maybe she hurt herself on one of her toys. I quickly changed the channel before checking to see what had happened. As soon as I changed the channel she stopped crying. I sat back down and started flipping through the channels again. Again, I came across a channel that was showing him giving a speech. Again, she started crying. Again, I changed the channel. Again, she stopped crying. I called my husband at the time into the room and told him to watch our daughter. I flipped through the channels until I came across him speaking. Immediately she started crying. I flipped it to the next channel and she stopped. I flipped back and forth between the channels a couple of times. Every time Bill Clinton was talking she cried.
Over the years I have witnessed many children show disdain toward certain people, only to find out that these people really were not nice people. I have witnessed, and been one of those children, who scared adults, perfect strangers to the child, by running over to them. When I was about three my mother was going through the airport with me and my brother. He was little, so she had to carry him. I was at least old enough to walk. I was jealous that he was being carried and I had to walk. After all, I was still little too and my legs were tired. I sat down and refused to move. My mom was getting quite agitated with me. I was so mad at her that I ran over to this stranger who was sitting down and climbed into his lap. The poor man about had a heart attack. He must have been a decent person because I doubt at that age I would have felt comfortable enough to do that. Nowadays I just get strange looks if I go sit in some random guy's lap. I guess it's not as cute anymore.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
October 8, 2013 (Pain, Sweet Pain)
I always know when the seasons are changing by the way my body reacts. Every nerve in my body is reacting to the current change in the seasons. I feel like I have stuck my finger in a light socket and can't pull it out. From the top of my head to the tips of my toes, I am in extreme pain. This is the life of a person living with fibromyalgia and arthritis. Unfortunately, one of the side effects of taking chemo is that things like arthritis are accelerated. One of the side effects of the Herceptin is fibromyalgia. The pain is so great that it leaves me with a headache and makes me extremely nauseous.
I do hold out some hope. One of my doctors told me that as the years pass and I lose the weight, at least the fibromyalgia should start to calm down. My greatest problem is that I cannot afford the medication that helped to calm all this down in order for me to live a somewhat normal life. I have health insurance, but they want me to pay $300.00 a month to take it. It has been suggested that I use a cheaper medication, but my doctors have tried me on all the medications available and Lyrica was the only one to do me any good. Now I am forced to take Tylenol Arthritis and Motrin, which help for just a short period of time. I don't want to get in the habit of taking these medications too much as I don't want my liver and other organs to suffer in the process.
So, in order to naturally counter the effects of fibromyalgia and arthritis, I'm going to have to fore myself to do yoga on a more regular basis. Yoga is good for releasing the pain through deliberate movements that force me to concentrate on breathing and posture. My goal is to help my body to control the nerves that are causing me all the pain. Along with doing yoga I'm going to start using the herbs and spices that have been proven to reduce pain and swelling in the body. I'm hoping that the combination of all of these things is going to help me feel a little more normal, not that I've ever really been normal.
I do hold out some hope. One of my doctors told me that as the years pass and I lose the weight, at least the fibromyalgia should start to calm down. My greatest problem is that I cannot afford the medication that helped to calm all this down in order for me to live a somewhat normal life. I have health insurance, but they want me to pay $300.00 a month to take it. It has been suggested that I use a cheaper medication, but my doctors have tried me on all the medications available and Lyrica was the only one to do me any good. Now I am forced to take Tylenol Arthritis and Motrin, which help for just a short period of time. I don't want to get in the habit of taking these medications too much as I don't want my liver and other organs to suffer in the process.
So, in order to naturally counter the effects of fibromyalgia and arthritis, I'm going to have to fore myself to do yoga on a more regular basis. Yoga is good for releasing the pain through deliberate movements that force me to concentrate on breathing and posture. My goal is to help my body to control the nerves that are causing me all the pain. Along with doing yoga I'm going to start using the herbs and spices that have been proven to reduce pain and swelling in the body. I'm hoping that the combination of all of these things is going to help me feel a little more normal, not that I've ever really been normal.
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